Man quit job to help family with dad's dementia

Gary Marsden would like people to know what goes on behind closed doors when a family deals with dementia

A man who left his job to support his parents through his dad's dementia has described the impact the condition can have on families.

Gary Marsden stepped back from his career to put his family first as it comes to terms with his father Bill's vascular dementia.

His dad, a retired mechanic who worked at Vauxhall in Luton, was always a "calm, cool, collected" person but, Gary said, after the onset of the condition, the 88-year-old had to move into a care home.

Gary is supporting the Alzheimer's Society's "behind closed doors" campaign, which aims to show the "hidden reality" of the condition and the impact a lack of support the charity said had on thousands of families.

The Alzheimer's Society said research showed caring for someone with dementia left families "overwhelmed, unsupported and isolated" with health and social care "failing them".

Gary, from Dingley in Northamptonshire, said: "Bill was an absolutely amazing father, and he dotes on all of his grandchildren - he has 15 of those and 12 great-grandchildren, and they all absolutely love him.

"He was always the calm, cool, collected one. He was always a very calming influence over everybody."

Bill married Christine in the 1960s and became "a real family man" who doted on his children

But symptoms that something was wrong started to show about four years ago, despite there being no family history of dementia.

Gary, who is in his early 60s, said: "The first indication I got was we went down to Twickenham, and he struggled to work out where he needed to go.

"I talked to my mum, and she said he does seem to forget things occasionally - and that was really the start of us watching him slowly decline."

A trip to watch Northampton Saints take on Saracens at Twickenham was the first sign that something was wrong

Gary, who worked as a global IT security firm product marketing director, added: "It's like watching a row of lightbulbs, like the memories and the functions, that flicker and, over a period of time, turn off, disappear.

"I think the most emotional moment for me was that first time of me talking to him and sitting with him for a whole day, and my dad turning around to my brother and saying, 'who's that?'

"That was a horrible moment.

"The impact on my mum has been gradual. But he had an infection, and that really triggered the dementia.

"He needed help doing a lot of things, so we got him into a home."

Christine has been visiting her husband in his new home but has found the transition tough, said her son Gary

Bill moved into Westlands Care Home in Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, in the summer.

But wife Christine, despite visiting routinely, has struggled with the loss of her rock of 60-plus years.

Gary said: "They're absolutely brilliant at the home.

"But there is the guilt that my mum had. She felt she should be caring for him, dressing him properly, giving him his cup of tea the right way.

"Going to bed in the evening, waking up in the morning, and not having that person next to you.

"It's taken her a few months now to get used to the fact that he's very much in the best place, but they're no longer together as well. That's a harsh realisation."

Gary said the charity's campaign was vital to help people know they are not alone.

He said: "There are people there that can help you through the journey.

"Don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't feel guilty about asking for help."

Celebrities including Anna Richardson, pictured, David Baddiel and Suranne Jones have backed the charity's campaign

Kate Lee, chief executive of the society, said: "Dementia is the biggest health and social care issue of our time.

"Its devastation reaches families in every corner of the UK, and yet it isn't the priority it needs to be. At least a third of people living with dementia don't have a diagnosis and are therefore unable to access the vital care, support and treatments they desperately need.

"Dementia is a forgotten crisis that can't be ignored any longer.

"Bring this reality out from behind closed doors."