The Christmas dilemma for separated families

Government figures show 3.6 million children are affected by divorce

Christmas is supposed to be a time to be together. TV adverts paint vivid images of perfect families. But for me, family happiness at Christmas was derailed when my mum and dad split up.

BBC journalist Jasmine Lowe examines the challenges for children and parents celebrating Christmas separately.

A wave of guilt washes over me as I say hello to one parent and goodbye to another.

I know when I am enjoying Christmas dinner with one parent, the other will be alone.

They will be reminiscing on Christmas past.

There will be no laughter and empty seats in one house, while another will be crammed and garden furniture will be dragged out of the shed.

I used to stay up all night trying to catch a glimpse of Santa downstairs and mum and dad would watch me open all of my intricately-wrapped presents.

Now, how do I decide which parent's Christmas to join in with? Alternate each year? Flip a coin? Weigh up who loves me the most?

In 2021, government figures showed there were 2.3 million separated families in Great Britain with 3.6 million children involved.

A spokesperson from the charity Gingerbread, which supports single parent families, told me many people feel the same guilt and worry about a day we are all supposed to live in harmony.

Me and my family prior to my parents' divorce in March 2020

'New normal?'

I spoke to my friend Ben, from Beverley, who faces a similar December dilemma.

He said: "The reality is my little brothers and I had incredible Christmases before and after the end of our parents' relationship.

"However, there is no denying that every year post-separation felt in some way more broken than the ones before."

Ben added: "In the years since, Christmas found a 'new normal' for my family, we effectively made Boxing Day our Christmas 2.0.

"Although two Christmas dinners, two sets of presents and two days of celebration sounds better than one, it never quite feels that way."

Ben and his family on Christmas day as a child

Another friend Eliza, from Cottingham, told me of her struggles adapting to the new reality of having to leave her mum alone on Christmas night.

She told me: "When the divorce was fresh, I was riddled with guilt after splitting the day up as I knew one parent would be left alone.

"I think it's worse if you're older when your parents separate as you have an added pressure and responsibility, plus you're aware of what's happening.

"My parents have new partners now, so it takes pressure off me trying hard to keep them both company. But me and my sister can't help thinking about the happy memories from Christmases when we were young."

'Adults to be adults'

I also spoke to Jo Hardy, Gingerbread's head of services. She described her Christmas experiences to me as a single parent and the services the charity provides.

It gives advice and information to support single parents, enabling them to support their children and themselves.

Jo told me: "Christmas can really magnify the absence of someone, and it's really important to speak about this, especially to your older children.

"You can't pretend they don't know what they know.

"If there has been a history of hostility and conflict, you can't act like everything is okay for one day of the year," Jo added.

"The most important thing is for the adults to be the adults, allow your children to generate a level of acceptance and don't force anything."

Jo said the helpline receives more calls during the Christmas period, but the charity runs community groups throughout the year.

'Missing out'

Mike, from Brough, spoke to me about his Christmas experiences as a single parent. He has a long distance relationship with six-year-old daughter Ava.

He said: "It's always difficult when my daughter is with her mother over the Christmas break because she's still at the age where Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are magical and there's genuine honest excitement, which is priceless to see on her face.

"Missing out on those special days is heartbreaking."

He added: "It's frustrating being so far away as there's no option for her mother to meet halfway and an eight-hour round journey, Hull to Southampton, makes it almost impossible to have a chance to pop in to see her on Christmas Day.

"Video calls are amazing, but she's obviously busy opening and playing with her presents. She's also usually spending time with her mother's side of the family down south too.

"I'd never expect a call longer than a few minutes."

Mike spends Christmas hundreds of miles away from his daughter Ava

I think overall Christmas is a very challenging time of year.

Although 25 December is supposed to be full of joy, laughter and love, it can also be very difficult as families come in all shapes and sizes.

It's important to know that lots of people are experiencing the same circumstances, and there are ways to get support.

If you are affected by issues raised in this article, help and support is available via the BBC Action Line.

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