'When it's your kids hitting you, you can't leave'

Although data can be recorded differently across police forces, the number of reported assaults on parents and carers by children as young as eight appears to be increasing

Parents and guardians who have suffered violence at the hands of children in their care say support services are a "postcode lottery". Despite a seeming rise in attacks, alongside greater awareness, experts agree the problem is not being properly addressed.

Here, one couple share their experience.

"She had me round the throat one day," Angela, a guardian to a young girl, told the BBC.

"Another time she had me against the bench with a knife at at her throat, saying she was going to kill herself and make me watch.

"That was a really, really scary time that seemed to go on forever."

After a family breakdown, Chris and Angela (not their real names) took on the care of a female relative who was still at primary school.

Over time, they say, the child's behaviour deteriorated until the couple realised they were in physical danger.

They were open with social services from the outset, but say their concerns were "minimised" and they were just told to "keep going."

"What do we do when she's smashing the house up or when she's got me locked in a room?"

Chris and Angela say they were "screaming for help" for years (posed by models)

"Things were escalating beyond what was safe," recalls Chris.

"I felt pathetic, because why should I have to call the police to protect us from an 11-year-old or a 13-year old? It's humiliating."

Chris and Angela say they eventually had no choice but to call the police, but attending officers made it plain the child would not be taken out of the situation, nor would charges be brought.

Violence on the rise?

Experts say child-to-parent violence and abuse (sometimes known as CAPVA, CPA or APVA) can be sparked by childhood trauma or a youngster witnessing domestic abuse in the home.

It can also be more common in families with neurodiverse children.

Because there is no standard definition for this type of domestic violence, offences are recorded in different ways across the country meaning it can be difficult to measure the scale of the problem.

We asked 39 police forces in England for the number of reported crimes involving adolescent or child on parent violence and abuse in their areas in 2015, 2019 and 2023.

Of the 17 forces which responded, 10 recorded more cases in 2023 than in 2019.

In north-east England, where Chris and Angela live, North Yorkshire, Northumbria and Durham police did not provide figures, but both Cumbria Constabulary and Cleveland Police reported an increase in cases.

One former social worker - who wishes to remain anonymous - told the BBC she witnessed violence against parents first hand, sometimes from children as young as eight.

She believes that, although the subject is now more openly discussed, services offered by some local authorities have yet to catch up with the level of risk some children present.

"These parents are dealing with this on a daily basis," she says.

"I think things like social media, trying to manage the use of mobile phones, that's becoming a real trigger point when they're trying to put parental controls in place, because children don't want that and they're acting out.

"I've been in households where I've seen significant levels of harm directed towards parents and carers from children and, even with professional intervention to try to de-escalate, it has resulted in police call outs."

Professionals say managing children's access to technology - like mobile phones - can be a common flashpoint

Chris and Angela felt social services encouraged them to offer their child "leeway" rather than making it clear her behaviour was unacceptable.

"We'd tell them 'look, we don't think we can go on with this'," says Chris. "We don't think this is good for us or her.

"They would just blow smoke up (our backsides) about what a good job we're doing. We felt hopeless."

Angla adds: "Now she just thinks this is what people do.

"When you're in an abusive relationship, you have the option to go. But when it's your kids you don't, do you?"

Dr Nikki Rutter says families are "crying out" for support that is not there

CAPVA researcher Dr Nikki Rutter believes early intervention is key for carers like Chris and Angela.

"Local authorities here in the North East are very good at responding to families where there are very particular high risk needs," she says.

Dr Rutter points to what she sees as exemplary areas of practice in certain areas of the country, including Wales and Norfolk, but says problems lie in the systems that should refer families for help when they first have issues.

"Early intervention is very, very rarely occurring in any of the local authorities throughout the North.

"They're dealing with the problem rather than preventing it in the first place.

"Sometimes it can be services saying 'this isn't our responsibility', 'we're not commissioned to do this' or 'we are restricted in terms of staffing'.

"For those families it must just feel like there's no way out or there's not many people listening.

"Families are crying out for help, quite often from the child being four to five years old, and nothing is being done."

Government plans pending

The government has pledged to halve violence against women and girls in the next ten years.

It says tackling abuse of parents in their own homes is a "vital" part of that challenge.

A Home Office spokesperson said: "We are continuing to develop our specific approach to child-to-parent abuse, taking on board the contributions to last year's consultation.

"We will set out our plans in this area and respond formally to the consultation in the coming months."

CAPVA Ambassador Jackie Staff (L) says a County Durham scheme is seeing successful results

In County Durham, the police and county council have started jointly funding "ambassadors" to run a "Respect" programme with families that need help.

Young people and parents have their own workers who then come together over time to make changes.

Jackie Staff, one of the support workers, says violence towards parents and guardians is only just really starting to be discussed more openly, but things are changing as a result.

"We're getting some real successes from the families," Ms Staff says.

"They're telling us that it is working and the behaviour has reduced."

But Joy Allen, Durham's Police and Crime Commissioner, says a lot of parents are still suffering in silence.

"One in 10 women who've been murdered by a man have been murdered by their son," she says.

"That's a significant fact that we need to address and early intervention is much better than escalating.

"We want people to have the confidence to come to us for support. It isn't anything to be ashamed of and there is help out there."

'Let's stop pretending'

Angela and Chris are clear about what they think needs to change.

"Definitely funding for children's mental health I think is a massive thing, but also child-to-adult violence is not talked about," says Angela.

"Parents are embarrassed. We were embarrassed.

"We didn't want to tell anyone that this child has been violent. I think that's a massive issue."

Chris says he feels seeking support somewhere you can be honest about exactly what is happening is essential.

"Even if it's Facebook groups, it's people going through the same thing," he says.

"Let's stop pretending that this is not happening, that children aren't being physically violent towards the parents.

"It takes the adults to do that, because the kids are never going to admit it."