Transcript: ‘How a plan to reveal my new boyfriend ended with a fractured spine’

This is a full transcript of "How a plan to reveal my new boyfriend ended with a fractured spine" as first broadcast on 19 October 2018. Presented by Beth Rose with Niamh Hughes and guest Bethany Hickton.

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BETH - Hi, it's Beth Rose here from the BBC Ouch team with the latest podcast.

Can you remember how it felt when you started something brand new and exciting in your life? Maybe a new job or you moved into a new home and time and opportunity just seemed to fan out ahead of you. That's exactly how Bethany Hickton felt when she started her PhD at Bristol University a couple of years ago. But one rainy day as she headed down a marble staircase to meet a friend, ready to reveal she had a new boyfriend, she slipped; a fall that would result in a fractured spine, depression and symptoms akin to PTSD. So, from one Bethany to another we chatted about that traumatic time and how she managed her recovery. But first we had a conundrum to settle

But first of all I have never interviewed another Bethany before. You're listening to BBC Ouch Podcast and I always go by the name of Beth Rose, but if we're being official I am on all the documents Bethany.

BETHANY - Ah.

BETH - Are you Bethany or Beth?

BETHANY - I'm normally a Beth, but I imagine that's going to be as confusing as anything so I'm happy to be Bethany for the day.

BETH - Okay. We haven't got, normally our editor Damon is in the studio and Damon's surname is Rose, which is the same as mine.

BETHANY - Oh god.

BETH - So, it's not quite a Venn diagram but it's, I don't know, it's a something. Also to balance that out we've got Niamh Hughes from our team is in as well.

NIAMH - Hello, good to be back.

BETH - Now, let's start again from the beginning. You went to university, you went to Bristol, and tell me a bit about his PhD you're studying because it sounds super fantastic.

BETHANY - So, I do a multidisciplinary PhD designing materials for use in body armour, so it's between the biology department and the engineering department.

BETH - Wow. So, is that body armour for soldiers or…?

BETHANY - Yeah, primarily a Ministry of Defence based project.

BETH - Because I've got a note here which says I think is the official name something like aerospace engineering and cellular and molecular medicine?

BETHANY - Yes those are the departments. [Laughs] They just sound particularly scary.

BETH - They do. That sounds really interesting. So, you had gone to Bristol, you were in your first year just settling in a bit, working out what kind of was required of you; and then what happened the day when everything changed?

BETHANY - Actually I was working into work and I was meeting my boyfriend for lunch. We are work colleagues so we were going to tell one of our friends for the first time that we were in a relationship. As I got to the staircase I just completely slipped. I slipped and fell. I landed on the bottom of a flight of marble steps on my coccyx and as soon as I hit the floor I knew something was wrong. I used to be a horse rider so I've fallen off things, into things, I've fallen off moving horses at high speed and it never felt that bad.

So, everyone found out I was in a relationship with my boyfriend because he came hurtling up the stairs looking as white as the staircase.

BETH - It was just like an everyday slip?

BETHANY - Uh-huh.

BETH - Someone else could have done the exact same move and just maybe bruised themselves?

BETHANY - Yeah. Well, it was just the way I took off and I actually went quite high and I missed a few steps, but the way I landed, like landing on the very base of my spine, caused a compression of all of the vertebrae so the middle vertebrae cracked.

BETH - Is that something that hurts? Basically is it something you can feel when it happens?

BETHANY - Yes, yes. As soon as I hit the floor it just didn't feel right and I had this shooting pain, primarily in my coccyx. I thought I've definitely bruised that, that's going to sting, but then I started feeling pain in my lower back which is what started worrying me.

BETH - The ambulance was called, and you were in Bristol so presumably hopefully they arrived quite quickly and you were taken off to the hospital. What was that like? Was it confusing or was it very swift?

BETHANY - I think because it was a really, really rainy day and obviously they had so many calls unfortunately it took about 45 minutes to get an ambulance to me. It was primarily because they didn't really know the severity of the injury and it was quite a low priority. And I think because it was such a miserable day outside that lots of other people were in greater need than me. But it was a little frustrating because it was at the university you could see the Bristol Royal Infirmary from where we were. [Laughs]

BETH - Oh no.

BETHANY - But obviously with a spinal injury, I'm a qualified first aider, and I knew with a spinal injury it's not even worth attempting it.

BETH - When you got there it sounds like you were able to tell them a lot of information about what had happened and what you thought might be a difficult injury. What happened, do you get taken into an x-ray or…?

BETHANY - I was sent into majors on a spinal brace, and then I think because I wasn't kicking off a great amount they actually moved me into minors into a wheelchair. I was sat upright on the broken vertebrae. [Laughs] Then they sent me for an x-ray and I was very unfortunately wearing skinny jeans at the time so I had to take off my own skinny jeans to be x-rayed.

BETH - You had to take them off yourself?

BETHANY - Yeah. [Laughs]

BETH - Okay.

BETHANY - Yeah! Fortunately, as much as it was not a nice break, it was stable enough that none of those things caused injury. But the nurse, well the doctor even I should say, was pretty alarmed when she got my x-ray back and I was just sat in a wheelchair.

BETH - Yeah, I bet.

BETHANY - Yeah. [Laughs]

BETH - So, what was the diagnosis that they gave you?

BETHANY - Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to get this right. It's lower thoracic, so it's the bottom two thoracic vertebrae and the upper lumber vertebrae had split fractures. They were compression fractures.

BETH - That sounds really very serious.

BETHANY - It was pretty scary. They gave me morphine the second they found them and obviously got me to not move from then onwards. They phoned my mum, well my boyfriend phoned my mum, and her first words were, 'can she feel her toes?' I at that point was having a great time on the morphine and had no idea that I was in pain or anything was wrong. [Laughs]

BETH - Because I'm right in saying that potentially you could have been paralysed like your mum was worried about?

BETHANY - Yeah, it really wasn't a great distance between where the fractures were and where my spinal cord is so it was really close. One of the vertebrae cracked almost completely open, which is obviously pretty dangerous.

BETH - And what do they do? What kind of treatment do you get? What sort of recovery happens, do you stay in hospital or…?

BETHANY - I was really fortunate that they considered my fractures not deadly enough that I had to remain in hospital, so I got put in a spinal brace - which is this wonderful metal and plastic contraption that quickly became the bane of my life - I had to wear all the time that I wasn't horizontal. So, every minute that I was not lying down I was wearing it for 16 weeks.

BETH - Wow.

BETHANY - Yeah! [Laughs]

BETH - And were at home recovering?

BETHANY - I actually stayed in my flat in Bristol just because I had so many doctors' appointments and things. But my mum, bless her, very sweetly moved in to my tiny studio flat with me, basically worked from home, to become my carer.

BETH - That sounds quite a challenge for numerous reasons.

BETHANY - Yeah. [Laughs] It's interesting having your mum move back in when you're about 23.

BETH - Obviously you'd gone to Bristol, you had stayed on at Bristol, you had your new boyfriend, you had I presume a busy work life and probably a busy social life, and then this happens. What happens to all of those aspects of your life that you had been enjoying and building up?

BETHANY - Just sort of everything stopped, and that was really what kind of shocked me. So, the medication I was taking when I came out of hospital was the maximum dosage of both paracetamol and codeine, so I slept 22 hours a day for the first week and a half.

BETH - Wow.

BETHANY - Yeah. I'd literally wake up, go to the bathroom, get some food in my face and then go back to sleep. That was all I did for a week and a half. I don't have a recollection of any of that time. [Laughs]

BETH - Did you have appointments with rehabilitation or physio?

BETHANY - Yeah, after the 16 weeks I got physiotherapy, and then because the muscles still weren't behaving properly I had acupuncture after that.

BETH - What did that do?

BETHANY - That was just very much when I was healing one of the side of my spinal muscles went really tight and the other side became quite loose so I lost a lot of muscle definition on one side and then the other side became clamped. So, I almost gave myself a curvature in my spine through my own muscles, so the acupuncture was purely to release the muscle and get it to loosen.

BETH - Those 16 weeks of initial recovery, you said everything kind of stopped, what kind of toll did that take?

BETHANY - Well, it was sort of the first time I slowed down. I've always been a very outgoing person and trying to live up to the expectation of being as good as I possibly can, being incredibly hard working and all those sorts of things. And then for the first time there was nothing I could do. There was nowhere I could go; there was nothing I could read because I couldn't focus; I kept having hilarious dreams instead of actually reading anything. So, it was very surreal and really quite hard to process. I think that's where I first started to realise that I had quite bad depression.

BETH - What point was it that you suddenly thought, this is not quite right?

BETHANY - When I, as I'm sure many people who have experienced this, when I came off codeine for the first time I had one of my first panic attacks. I was by myself for the first time and as I came off the codeine I could start to feel the pain again and I couldn't sleep and yeah, that's when it all sort of caught up with me that it wasn't in a great place.

BETH - And had your mum gone home at this point?

BETHANY - Yeah, because I was on the codeine for nearly 16 weeks, which is a long time to be on high-level drugs. [Laughs]

BETH - Yeah. What kind of impact did it have? I know it's really hard to remember a depressive episode what it felt like in comparison to maybe your everyday life at the moment, but can you remember the sorts of things you felt or the things that you could or couldn't do?

BETHANY - I just remember being sat in my bed and not really being able to breathe, and I just sort of suddenly felt very cold and very numb and just sort of really quite alarming. The only thing that got me out of it was I went and stood in the shower and just blasted myself with water until I felt better again, and then curled up in a ridiculous number of duvet and pillows; a standard Harry Potter thing of Dementors eat chocolate. That was how I dealt with it. But I just remember being quite scared for the first time, because for the whole time my mum was there and my boyfriend was very supportive, it never really hit me how scary it was and how close it was.

BETH - Was it that that suddenly dawned on you that you were having a hard time but it could have been even worse?

BETHANY - I think that was what set off that first time. I think the cause of that was actual fear of how close that came to being a lot worse.

BETH - Because you're a scientist obviously did you try and deal with it very practically to begin with?

BETHANY - Yes, completely. I was all about strategic plans, how we were going to modify my flat so that I could get around. They said I wasn't allowed to shower for 16 weeks, which just wasn't happening. I'd only just got in a relationship; I'm pretty sure he'd have dumped me. [Laughs] No, that's completely unfair. So, we figured out ways that I could shower without moving, and I very much went into logistical mode and didn't really cry about it or process it really until it was all over. 16 weeks is a long time to not really cry about something. [Laughs]

BETH - Yes, something like that definitely. When did you think, okay I've reached this low point now, my practical solutions aren't necessarily improving it, maybe I need to go and get some help from somewhere? When did that come about and what did you do?

BETHANY - Actually I put off going to counselling for quite a long time. I sort of got back into work, I hid it, I did as much work and filled my days and did an excessive amount of everything. And then it was New Year's Day the following January and I went to bed and I was just like I can't stop thinking about very bad things, I kept having intrusive thoughts and my mood was just horrific, and it had been for a long time; I'd been very internalised, very shut off. And it just dawned on me that actually I'm not the person I normally am and I haven't been for a while. That was when it really hit me that maybe I should go and talk to someone about it. So, I signed myself up for CBT which is cognitive behavioural therapy for depression, and I went along to a couple of sessions. They were really hard and I didn't say anything; they were group sessions so that was fortunate. [Laughs]

BETH - And what do you do in CBT, what does it actually do?

BETHANY - It's all about getting behavioural programmes. Basically it's like a manual of how to improve your mental health. It's talking about picking up negative thoughts when they start; it's about coping strategies; it's about acknowledging when you're in a bad place; it's about seeing it, acknowledging it and then dealing with it.

BETH - Okay.

BETHANY - I went along to the second session and our counsellor asked everyone to describe what they felt when they were having a depressive episode. That's when it dawned me: I was like these people are describing my day to day life and I was like, okay maybe it's time to go tell the GP, maybe it's time to actually deal with this. [Laughs] That's how that came about.

BETH - At this point you'd gone back to uni doing your studying and your work?

BETHANY - Yeah.

BETH - And I understand that when you went back to university that triggered something else as well?

BETHANY - Yeah, I found it really hard to come up to campus, purely because I knew that that's where I'd hurt myself. So, I started getting quite bad anxiety about that and having anxiety attacks about going to work; which is obviously extremely difficult when that's where you work. That was not particularly nice. It was hard to overcome, and I found myself walking a different way to work when I did go because I didn't want to work the exact same route on a rainy day and make it feel like it was the same. The shoes I wore the day I fell I didn't wear again. It was little cycles that I'd found myself slipping into to avoid feeling that anxiety.

BETH - And were you ultimately diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder?

BETHANY - It was never a diagnosis but it was an acknowledgement more that they knew it was a part of my anxiety, but it was primarily depression and anxiety.

BETH - Did you have any inclination that that's what you might have been experiencing, maybe not diagnosed as PTSD but elements of it?

BETHANY - I think when I finally got the diagnosis of depression and anxiety I realised that actually the anxiety was quite a high part of it: the little routines I'd found myself, the little ways I'd adapted to avoid triggering it. And my coping strategies were actually very PTSD like, so they're quite similar. It wasn't how I thought it had manifested but that's what it matched up to.

BETH - You're still at the university now, aren't you?

BETHANY - Yeah.

BETH - So, you still have to face those corridors, those stairs, that building. How long ago was the accident and does it still impact your everyday life?

BETHANY - The accident was in 2016 actually, and yeah, I guess I still don't go down that set of stairs. It's not a vital set of stairs so fortunately I can work around not having to do it. Whenever I do go down the stairs in that building I have to hold onto the handrail. I try not to let it become a thing. I obviously still happily go to work and I love going to work, but I do still have a little issue with those stairs - me and them are not friends.

BETH - Is it something you consciously think of when you think, okay I'm not going down these stairs because of this accident, or is it now so in built in you that you just automatically go to the ones down the corridor?

BETHANY - It's just an in-built thing now. It's all shiny stairs, all marble stairs I sort of have a second thought about before I do them. And if I'm wearing high heels I will try and pick places or pick ways of walking that don't involve stairs at all. It's something I think is going to take a lot of time to get round because I let it manifest quite heavily.

BETH - But in spite of all of that are you finding you're improving a little bit each day? Are you noticing little improvements in just your reactions to when you do end up on campus and when you do head into work?

BETHANY - Yeah completely. I'm actually really fortunate that through the counselling service I was put in touch with Healthy Minds, and they get people with mental health issues into the gym and that really helped me develop a positive connotation with the university.

BETH - So, what sort of thing does Healthy Minds do?

BETHANY - They set you up with a personal trainer and they give you free access to the gym for 12 weeks. And they sort of just encourage you to come in. The first session is with a personal trainer and they write you a programme and set it all up. And then they just encourage you to come in and to make it what you want. And I actually discovered I really enjoyed sport, which I didn't expect. [Laughs]

BETH - And also how do you manage that? When you've had such a serious back injury, obviously you had a personal trainer who has knowledge up to a certain point but perhaps not really specific for your individual back injury, how do you feel safe in that environment?

BETHANY - It was very much about talking about it and only doing what I felt comfortable. So, it was a surprise to both me and Pete that actually I really enjoy weights. He encouraged me to do it and I wasn't expecting to enjoy weight lifting but I really do, and it's actually what I'm much better at compared to running or cardio. But it was almost really joyous to do weightlifting because it was kind of actually my back's okay. Because when you've had an injury you become so precious about it, about not getting it re-hurt, that finally doing it and actually pushing it was really nice. And that was kind of a breakthrough point for me.

BETH - And I'm guessing that it's something that you still do now?

BETHANY - Yes.

BETH - Did you find it improved more than just your strength and your depressive episodes? Did it kind of add a whole new element to your life?

BETHANY - Yeah completely. I finished the Healthy Minds programme, and I was really lucky that I was asked to stay on and be a Healthy Minds mentor. And I then actually joined the women's rugby team and now I play rugby for the University of Bristol. And that opened up an entire social aspect; I've met so many fantastic women who are very like-minded and it's much more about what can your body do, not what it looks like.

BETH - And did your team mates go through anything similar to what you did?

BETHANY - I don't personally know if any of them use it for the same reasons. I know that all sport is a really good stress release for everyone, and especially around exam time it's good to find yourself in the gym. And hey, rugby's great because you end up tackling someone and getting covered in mud. [Laughter] Who doesn't love to come home covered in mud? Honestly it makes you feel a thousand times better.

BETH - It's a new spin on mindfulness rather than the meditative side of things I find.

BETHANY - Yeah. Well, it gets it out of your head; you're not focusing on anything serious when you're worried about dropping some weights on you or someone running at you.

BETH - You said that you were a mentor for the Healthy Minds programme. Obviously you're helping out these young people as a mentor, but do you find that they're helping you in your recovery?

BETHANY - Any dialogue that involves talking candidly about mental health helps everyone. It helps myself to talk about it; it helps everyone that I speak to can relate in some way or form. And if they can't they're always happy to know about it in order that they're better informed should it crop up or should someone they love deal with it. Yeah, every time I talk to a student I find it helps me. And it's always nice when someone you look after gets better. There's something about watching someone get better that you've helped; you can't beat that.

BETH - Is the depression something that you still have to manage now or have you found that since you made your improvements and your plans are back on track that that's receded a bit?

BETHANY - It is still something I have to deal with. I still get relapses of it and I think that's quite common that once you're aware of it. For some people it's a temporary sort of filter and for some people it's just a little bit of who they are. I personally take antidepressants and that just helps me be the person I want to be. I was always this really outgoing, ridiculously annoyingly - think of Hermione Granger, that's who I was as a little kid. [Laughter] But I think I was suffering with depression for a lot longer than I realised I was, and taking the antidepressants helps me be that person again. I just think it was a bit of my body that was missing.

BETH - Do you think it was something that was there before the accident and then obviously that brought everything to the fore?

BETHANY - Yeah. I had cycles of low mood. Actually I spoke with my mum about this and we kind of correlated it with exam season at the time, because obviously when you're at school you do endless exams from about the age of eight. But it was always very seasonal around the January and when it's dark and everything. So, I think I always had that: I over think and worry about everything. If I could I think I'd try and save the world single-handedly, but there's only so much you can do. [Laughs]

BETH - That is true. Is your back something you still have to think about? Do you still have to have physio or does it repair itself?

BETHANY - It's probably going to take up to about three years to heal properly. The bones are completely healed; it's the muscles and the tissue that are still sorting themselves out. But I actually find going to the gym and doing yoga and Pilates are helping with it. It's still something that's sore and painful, and I have to be mindful if I go somewhere where there isn't a back to the chair I'm sat on, that there's only so long I can cope. But it's manageable and hopefully improving.

BETH - And then everything, all the other parts of your life have they slotted back in, your PhD, the boyfriend, your social life?

BETHANY - Yeah. Me and the boyfriend are still together; he tolerated me through the broken spine. [Laughs]

BETH - That is impressive if you can get through that.

BETHANY - Yeah, just a bit. I think it was three, four weeks after we first got together, and then he had to spend the next 16 weeks with a girlfriend in a spinal brace. Poor man. [Laughs]

But yeah, the PhD has been hard since because obviously I lost the time, but it's something that is definitely getting back on track which is nice.

And the social life actually following all of this and following talking about my depression I've really found some incredible people and I've got an amazing network, that actually I think talking about it and being honest has helped me find the best people from it.

BETH - Thanks to Bethany for chatting to us this week. Also some exciting news for you: we've been shortlisted in the podcast category for the Mind Media Awards. We'll obviously let you know how it goes after the glitzy London ceremony in November.

As always we love to hear from you so keep in touch about this podcast or anything else. You can tweet us @bbcouch, find us on Facebook, BBC Ouch, we're also on Instagram bbc_ouch_disability, and of course there's always email [e-mail]. Speak to you soon.