Eating disorders: My son died – if he'd been a girl, he may have got help sooner

Laurence Nugent died on the floor of his bedroom in the middle of the night, surrounded by his mother, father and brother.

He was 24 and had suffered a heart attack after years of battling bulimia, anorexia and depression.

Here, his mum Pam blogs about the devastating impact her son's death has had on her family.

It comes as a new documentary by Newsbeat investigates the impact eating disorders can have on men.

'I can't believe there is no second chance'

By Pam Nugent

In moments of sadness I reflect on what has happened to us. I still try to make sense of it all.

I can't believe you, Laurence, visited and stayed awhile and then you left.

I can't believe you were here with your blonde hair and green eyes.

I can't believe I won't look upon your smile or touch your face ever again.

I can't believe I won't hear your voice again.

I can't believe all that time of living is past for you.

I can't believe you walked through the eternity door.

I can't believe how lonesome that part of my heart feels without you.

I can't believe when I say your name I want to cry every time.

I can't believe there is no second chance.

I can't believe you are gone.

My son Laurence passed away on 30 September 2009 and people ask me how I cope.

They told me it would take three to five years to get over his death. I've never understood how you can put a time on it.

When someone close to you suddenly passes away each person deals with it in their own private and individual way.

Today, six years on, I am just as sad as the day he left us.

Sometimes the pain of complete sadness starts in the pit of my stomach, and by the time it gets to my heart I want to be sick.

There are moments when I slip into my bereaved world and I actually think "this is all a dream, it can't be real, can it?"

But then I realise it isn't a dream when, again, I get those feelings of complete and utter shock.

I still want to scream out loud at God.

I want to tell him he is cruel, he is unfair.

I want to ask him why he took my son and not someone else's. What did we do to deserve this pain?

After six years it's just as confusing as it ever was.

Slowly I am learning to live without Laurence. Time doesn't heal, it is just teaching me to learn a new way to live without him. But it doesn't heal.

In the dark moments I want to wrap myself around Laurence's spirit and hold tight. But those moments are fewer now. My only other child, Chris, Laurence's older brother, brings the sunshine to my face.

I have to hold onto him. He is our lifeline, the reason now to live on.

Pam admits things might have been different if her son had been a girl and she didn't "expect a young man to worry so much about his weight and his image".

Like many people she says she would never have expected a man to suffer from an eating disorder.

It comes as a group of medical experts tell Newsbeat mental health services are skewed towards woman.

Pam Nugent and her son Chris now campaign for greater awareness of eating disorders in men through their charity The Laurence Trust.

Watch Anorexia: A boy in a girl's world on BBC iPlayer.

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