Domestic abuse: Bad date could end in murder, abuse survivor says

The woman was convinced by family members that she was the problem

A domestic abuse survivor has described how some women fear a bad date could end with them being "raped and murdered".

Speaking to the BBC, she said the worst dates for men could still be a fun and positive learning experience.

The woman, who lives in the south of England, said she was in a long term relationship with a violent and aggressive partner.

"In my own mind I excused parts of it through mental health," she explained.

"He's also an addict and if he loses control he would always say he had blacked out and didn't know what he was doing.

"Family members when they found out said 'he's quite a happy person in general - if that's happened, you probably deserved it so get on with it'.

"It's shocking when you think back on it but I started to believe that I was the one with the problem."

The woman said her partner repeatedly apologised and said he would not do it again, but "eventually you realise apology without change is just words".

Worst case scenario

Having also worked as a barmaid for several years, she said it was clear women did not feel safe when they were out.

"It's a big problem," she said. "If something is said to a woman or somebody crosses a line and she sticks up for herself then there'd be backlash.

"I've seen women pinned in corners by blokes almost twice their size."

She added: "I saw something that I read and I thought 'you know what that's a really good way of explaining it'.

"A man was talking to his friend about dating and how much fun it was. Even on the worst dates you can have fun and you'll learn a little bit about yourself.

"And her response was, no, the worst case scenario is you get raped and murdered."

The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women took place on Thursday, with the 16 Days of Action Campaign currently under way to raise awareness about the issue.

Refuge recorded an average of 13,162 calls and messages to its National Domestic Abuse helpline every month during the lockdown periods.

Her story featured in Politics South on Sunday 28 November, which looked at the issue of violence against women and is available on the BBC iPlayer.

For information and support on domestic abuse, contact:

If you're affected by any of the issues in this article you can find details of organisations who can help via the BBC Action Line here.

If you feel you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999 and if you can't speak, press 55 when prompted.

Online webchats and text services are also available.