Three parents on the 'black hole' of child suicide

When three fathers set off to walk 300 miles in memory of their daughters, they hoped to raise a few thousand pounds for charity. They ended up raising more than £800,000, and also helped many other bereaved parents. The BBC has spoken to a mother and two fathers who reached out to them.

"This will pass. However bad you feel now, this will pass. You are not on your own, things will likely look different tomorrow, in fact they will likely look different in a few hours."

This is what Pete Kenny would have said to his only child, Jamie, if he had been able to read his suicide note before he died.

Jamie, described as a fit, bright and funny boy by his father, was only 17 when he killed himself in July 2019. He had completed his A-levels and secured a place to study history at university. His death made no sense to his parents.

"There were no signs at all," said his father, speaking at his home in Leicester.

"There's an explanation [in the note] but it's not adequate basically. He's talking about problems in his relationships and feeling bad, that's essentially it. And so that makes sense, you have problems and you feel bad, the next step [suicide] is the thing that doesn't make sense.

"He was into debate, discussion, and I think I would have said, 'What's the logic of this? This doesn't hang together, does it?'"

Jamie was among 1,621 young people under 35 who took their own lives in 2019 in England and Wales, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Suicide is the biggest killer of people under 35 in the UK, which Pete had no idea about until his own son's death.

"I think people imagine that these issues don't affect many people, and one of the things that really strikes me is how many young people end up in that territory," said Pete.

"Because it's a difficult subject people avoid it, or they think it doesn't apply to them. Or they think that you get warning."

Pete had been struggling to cope with his son's death for two years when he read a newspaper article about three other fathers going through the same thing.

Known as the Three Dads, Andy Airey, Mike Palmer and Tim Owen walked 300 miles in October 2021 in memory of their three daughters. They originally aimed to raise £3,000 each for suicide prevention charity Papyrus. They eventually raised more than £800,000, with Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman each adding £10,000 to the total.

"What happened to them was what happened to us," said Pete, who decided to support the Three Dads by joining them along some of their journey.

"It felt like being engaged in something useful."

Tracey Hargreaves, who also joined the Three Dads for some of their walk, said it helped her "massively".

"As soon as I saw them I just gave them a hug," she said.

"It's like I'd always known them. And they were fantastic. They were just so open, friendly, let me talk.

"It was just talking to three dads who had been through exactly the same, and they just got it straight away. They understood exactly that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling you have every morning, every time you get up in the morning knowing that they're not there."

Tracey's son Charlie killed himself in May 2020, near the start of the first national coronavirus lockdown. Like Jamie, he was only 17 and his parents had no idea he was feeling suicidal.

"He just lit up a room. He was an amazing lad, everybody loved Charlie," said his mother, speaking from her home in Gedney in Lincolnshire.

"He wanted to go to university and do sports science. In fact he did get into two universities, which he didn't know about, it was too late.

"He had a beautiful girlfriend who he absolutely adored. He had so much to live for, and I think that's the tough bit, the fact he had a good future."

Charlie had some counselling a couple of years before he died, and shortly before he died he told his mother he had made another appointment.

"I did say to him we'll get you all the help in the world, because that's what we do, that's what mums do," she said.

"All teenagers or young children go through life where they have their ups and downs, but you never expect this to be the end result. Most of the time he was so happy, he made everyone laugh."

Tracey now believes suicide prevention should be embedded in the school curriculum, which is also what the Three Dads are campaigning for.

"Our schools use PSHE [physical, social, health and economic] lessons to talk about knife and gun crime, the dangers of drug misuse, radicalisation and the terror threat but nothing is said about the biggest killer of young people - suicide," said the Three Dads, explaining the motivation for their next walk on their website.

"Over 200 school-aged children take their own lives every year but we are doing nothing to equip young people with understanding and skills that could allow them to save themselves."

As part of their campaign, the Three Dads plan to visit all of the parliaments in the UK during a 600-mile fundraising walk, beginning on World Suicide Prevention Day on 10 September.

"You get bullying, you get social media, you get everything thrown at youngsters and they just can't deal with it all," Tracey said.

"Like my Charlie, it was like he was looking for perfection, and I think this is too much on youngsters nowadays, that they need to be that perfect person.

"Well they don't. They don't need to be that perfect person, they need to be real, they need to be them, and I think there needs to be as much help out there as possible for them."

Martin Tomlinson, whose daughter Tilly killed herself at the age of 26, said her problems started back when she was at school, when she developed bulimia.

"The schools didn't know much about it; they did their best but it was a bit swept under the carpet," he said.

"They are under a heck of a lot of pressure these youngsters today. You don't know what's going on in those little minds at all. Obviously they will try and hide things as well, so it needs trained people in the right places to suss it out."

'On the up'

Tilly was taking anti-depressant medication when she died but her parents did not know she was feeling suicidal. She had moved from Catforth in Lancashire to work for Urban Splash in Manchester.

"She was doing really well, things were on the up," her father said.

"Even work said she was fine, she lit the office up, they loved her coming in, she just smiled as she came through the door."

Her colleagues found her dead at her flat when they went round to check on her, after she did not log on for work one day in September 2021.

"It's made a big black hole basically and you can't fill it in," said her father, who met up with the Three Dads only three weeks after Tilly died.

"Just to talk to those dads, in the same situation, it made a big difference, it really did," he said.

Talking, he said, is not something he has always been very good at.

"Louise [his wife] used to talk to Tilly a lot but I was more of a 'shut it up and not let it out' sort of thing, which you learn now is completely the wrong thing to do," he said.

"I've learnt to talk things out and try to show your emotions sort of thing. I'm not very good at that sort of thing but just because we're men we don't have to be big, tough and rough.

"I think talking is the key."

A government spokesperson said: "The death of any child is a tragedy and our deepest sympathies are with the families and friends of those who have died by suicide. We welcome the work 3 Dads Walking is doing to raise awareness of this important issue.

"All children are taught about mental health as part of the mandatory relationships, sex and health education curriculum, which helps them recognise and manage issues to prevent suicide. This includes understanding that experiencing mental ill-health is not uncommon and how to seek support for themselves or someone else. Schools can also teach older pupils about suicide in an age-appropriate and sensitive way."

If you have been affected by any of these issues, you can visit the BBC's Action Line, or contact the Samaritans.