Essex mum 'torn' between baby in neonatal unit and kids at home

Beth Deacon-Bates says she feels "split in two" between spending time with her daughter in the neonatal unit and her sons at home

Beth Deacon-Bates dreamed of a picture-perfect Christmas spent watching her children play while balancing mince pies on her bump, eagerly awaiting the arrival of her little girl. Instead, she is "split in two" balancing Christmas pressures and a baby in a neonatal unit.

The 29-year-old from Colchester in Essex said she had been racked with guilt trying to give her sons Vincent, six, and Edmund, three, a magical Christmas while visiting her daughter at the unit in Ipswich.

Having experienced the loss of her son Roy at five days old and pre-term labour with her other children, she had to make it to term.

But she began buying Christmas presents in September "just in case" and Clara was born on 2 November at 27 weeks.

Here, in her own words, she describes the challenges of navigating a baby on the neonatal unit and parental Christmas pressures.

'Never thought she'd be so early'

Baby Clara was born on 2 November at just 27 weeks gestational age and will be in the unit over Christmas

All I wanted was a picture-perfect Christmas.

I would have been pregnant for Christmas and that's something I'm struggling with.

I wanted to be resting with a mince pie on my bump instead of eating one by a cot in the unit, but she's here and she's healthy.

It did prey on my mind as soon as I found out I was expecting, but I was under the pre-term prevention clinic. I love the doctors, they're amazing at Ipswich, fantastic.

'Two different worlds'

Beth and her husband Jack have tried to keep making Christmas magical for their two sons

It's two different worlds, everyone is in a magical Christmas world and I can't help but feel like it's a military operation to get through the magical Christmas stuff.

We're trying to make sure we're doing this and that with the boys, rather than letting it naturally unfold and I'm on edge to make sure I remember everything.

I don't feel Christmassy this year, being stuck in this scary place [the unit] but there's a different magic.

And magic is what Christmas is all about. In the unit, there are premature babies and sick babies, with doctors and nurses working their magic to make them well.

Christmas is all about miracles and they are constantly unfolding in the neonatal until, it's special in it's own way.

'Felt so torn'

Beth and Jack plan to include their boys Edmund, three, and Vincent, six in celebrations at the neo natal unit

Every mum struggles giving their kids an equal share of their time. But it's an hour's drive to get to Ipswich Hospital and an hour's drive back again. It makes it that much harder.

What if she doesn't make it home? I want to spend as much time with her as possible. There's no reason she shouldn't but once you've had that experience of loss in the neonatal unit, it's hard to get past it.

I did all my Christmas shopping in September because I was so worried.

I wrote down lots of ideas for elf on the shelf for my husband, so he wouldn't have to think about it and I didn't want the boys to be left out.

As much as I was organised and planned everything, I still thought I'd be there enjoying the magic with them.

Now it is constantly on my mind that I should be with Clara when I'm with them, but when I'm with Clara it makes me think what am I missing with my boys?

'She might not come home'

Vincent, six, has been worried his little sister may not come home

With Vincent, he has just worried Clara wouldn't be OK. He experienced that loss with Roy and it's something that's stuck with him, something that's affected his little life.

He was constantly worried, even during my pregnancy, saying we shouldn't get too excited in case she doesn't come home.

A child shouldn't have to think like that. That is quite tricky. He doesn't like visiting the unit, he doesn't like the noise and whole experience is quite triggering for him.

For Edmund, it's all new to him, he's so excited, he just wants her to come home.

Jack [her husband] has been amazing, he fully gets it's really important I'm there for Clara, to help my milk supply and making sure she's getting the breast milk she needs. I know he'd love to be there as well.

'Feel really guilty'

Beth says her husband Jack has been an incredible support

I'd love to see Clara on Christmas Day, that's something I really want to do but I feel like it's not fair disrupting the boys' Christmas Day.

I feel really guilty putting them through that.

But also, it feels wrong to not be with her, to give her a little stocking and say thank you to the staff on Christmas, giving up their own Christmas to look after my child.

How can I expect them to spend their day there and I don't go to give a bit of care?

Clara has a stocking from Santa. I'm hoping the boys will want to give that to her and gifts that they've both picked for her.

On Christmas Eve we're having a family day with the kids and on Boxing Day we always go where Roy's ashes are scattered for a picnic. I hope that will help them enjoy Christmas.

We've got a lot of family support, that's been huge.

'Extra little love'

Clinicians Katie Scripps and Sharon Ward say they always try to make the unit as special as possible at Christmas

As of 22 December, there were 12 babies on Ipswich's neonatal unit, with hopes that some may get home in time for Christmas.

Katie Scripps, practice development nurse at the unit said: "We know how difficult it can be for our parents. It's not where you picture your first Christmas with your baby is going to be.

"Donations are made into gifts for parents and babies, making sure families have what they need.

"For the babies, we absolutely love babies in Santa hats and looking like elves; there's nothing better.

"A lot of ladies in the community knit us hats. We get all sorts of lovely little things so we can make baby look nice, so when parents come in the room, they can go 'oh, look at them' and 'isn't that lovely'.

"We are really invested in those families and we want to make it as nice as possible, create that little bit of magic."

Sharon Ward, a junior sister who has worked on the ward for 18 years, said: "Having as baby is emotional but having a baby you can't take home with you is devastating, I'd cry. All we can do is be there for them."

"Sometimes they are here for months, so they become our family as much as we become theirs, " she added.

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'No-one expects to spend Christmas in the NICU'

According to Bliss, a charity for premature and sick babies, more than 90,000 babies are cared for in neonatal units in the UK every year.

Caroline Lee-Davey, chief executive of Bliss, said: "We support families all year round but particularly during the holidays because it's quite a different experience.

"No-one is expecting to be spending Christmas or birthdays in the NICU."

"At Christmas, even more so, it's important parents try to not put pressure on themselves, especially about the perfect Christmas because who has the perfect Christmas?

"I'd encourage parents not to feel guilty."

She also encouraged people who know anyone in that position to "offer support", either through extra childcare for older children, offering a lift to the unit over Christmas, making meals or just being a shoulder to lean on.

Details of help and support with pregnancy related issues are available at the BBC Action Line.

As told to Rachael McMenemy