Baby loss: 'I wouldn't have coped with my grief without this group'

This picture of Natalie was taken while the women were on a residential

Natalie Graham lost her twins at 17 weeks in January.

Months later, she found herself taking pictures of trains at Seahill station, getting lost in the moment but no longer feeling lost in herself.

The 31-year-old has been taking part in a project involving 28 women from north and west Belfast who have suffered the loss of a baby, whether it be through miscarriage, still birth or cot death.

The scheme came to a fitting end on Friday evening - at the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week - with the unveiling of a sculpture at Belfast City Hall.

The project has been running since March and the group has been up to all sorts - from yoga and mediation, to photography and keeping journals.

This club - that no-one hopes to join - has connected women who need to hear from others like themselves.

"I was so lost after I lost my babies," said Natalie.

"I just didn't know how you get through a day, a week, and now I am sitting, nine months later, thinking how did I even get here?

"I wouldn't have coped with my grief as well as I have without the group."

'Grief is like a train'

The group offered support and understanding, and provided ways of coping.

As a beauty therapist who also teaches at Belfast Met, Natalie really took to the photography - they used film rather than a digital camera, so it required more mindfulness.

"I enjoyed the journaling but I lost myself in the photography," she said.

"I was taking photographs of trains because the bereavement midwife said grief is like a train - you can never go back, you are always going forward. You might get off at a bad stop but you will get on and move forward again."

Sharon O'Prey works as a maternity support nurse

Due to the pandemic, much of the activity was online but that was no barrier to the women forming a tight bond.

However, Sharon O'Prey admitted to being initially overwhelmed.

"I found it hard to speak the first few meetings," she said.

"The more trust I built with the other ladies, we just became like a wee family. You felt like you knew them even though it was just on Zoom."

The 54-year-old has two children, aged 27 and 23, and she had two miscarriages - one 19 years ago, the other 11.

"I just buried it, never dealt with it all," she said. "There were a lot of other things going on in the background in my life.

"I even found some of my family members didn't even mention it to me. It was just put to bed, never talked about."

A page from Sharon's journal - she goes on to say that she had names picked out. Martin for a boy, Maisie for a girl

Sharon, a maternity support worker, found great solace in writing a journal.

"It's not that you forgot your babies, it's just nobody mentions them to you. Now we have the memory book we can look at."

Kelly Morris is the enigmatic project leader. She is also an artist and the woman behind the sculpture.

"Kelly is the type of person the minute you speak to her, you feel you know her," said Natalie.

"I could not have stripped myself down the way I did for Kelly," said Sharon.

'What ifs'

The feelings they have for American-born Kelly are entirely mutual.

"They were willing to trust me, and willing to be brave and vulnerable," she said.

"They had me hook, line and sinker and wrapped around their wee pinkies. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them."

Kelly Morris sitting beside her sculpture, with Belfast Lord Mayor Kate Nicholl at the unveiling

Kelly worked with the Clonard Women's Group and Shankill Women's Centre, splitting the 28 women into smaller groups to encourage intimacy.

As a mother who has also experienced loss, Kelly has insight into what the women are feeling and what might help them.

"I was trying to arm them with things that don't cost anything, that they can practise on themselves.

"Everything begins and ends with ourselves and if we learn how to support ourselves, that's where the empowerment comes, where the real healing comes from."

The project has left an indelible imprint on Natalie and Sharon, and they hope they can help chip away at what they say is still a taboo subject.

"Whether you lost your baby at three, four, five weeks or 20 weeks, you still have all those hopes and dreams and names and what ifs, and that is the hardest part for women," said Natalie.

"I hope women who have lost babies will see the sculpture and see they are not alone."

Kelly's sculpture was inspired by the women's stories

The project was commissioned by Belfast City Council and was part of the EU-funded PEACE IV Creative Communities programme.

The sculpture will stay in the City Hall until its permanent home - the new Shankill Shared Women's Centre in Lanark Way - is open for business in 2023.

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