Roberta Moretti Avery: Brazil's popular captain on her fight with depression

Roberta Moretti Avery is trying to end the stigma of mental health in women's cricket

Brazil captain Roberta Moretti Avery is something of a celebrity within women's cricket.

Having rocketed into awareness during Covid-19 lockdowns with her innovative batting drills on social media, she has caught the eye both on and off the pitch since.

She is one of 14 women in Brazil with a central contract - Brazil's men don't yet have such privileges - and she has led her side to two South American Championship wins.

And, despite failing to qualify for the T20 World Cup, Avery's side completed a remarkable one-run victory in their qualifier against Canada by taking five wickets with the last five balls of the match.

Off the pitch, 37-year-old Avery has appeared on a number of cricket podcasts, including Tailenders, as she seeks to grow the profile of both Brazil and women's cricket.

Yet despite appearing, on the outside at least, to be the bubbly, happy captain of Brazil, Avery has struggled with her mental health, to the point she suffered a nervous breakdown on the field, during a crucial international match.

"I was in a much deeper hole than I thought," recalls Avery. "I was even suffering physically - my body was swollen, I had the flu three times, I was sensitive physically and mentally, and I became distant.

"I wanted to step away from everyone because I didn't understand what I was feeling. But I couldn't because I'm the captain and I have to be strong.

"I had to put the group ahead of myself so pushed my feelings down where they were building into a huge ball of darkness.

"Every day I had to get up and show up with a mask on. I put on my fake smile, fake happiness and played through.

"I've often been told 'once you're on the pitch, you leave everything else' and I did this until I couldn't anymore."

The decline in her health was not an overnight change but an amalgamation of factors. This desire to suppress feelings pushed her to the limit and almost caused her to quit cricket.

"I got back from a tournament in Dubai and considered an immediate break," said Avery. "But I'm captain and we had the South American Championship so I had to make tough choices.

"I'd spoken to my therapist and weighed up the pros and cons. I knew how guilty I would feel leaving the team so that outweighed my desire to stay home."

Despite everything, the middle-order batter was the top-scorer (201 runs) in the Championship.

Yet it pushed her to utter a sentence she never thought she would say: "I hate cricket!"

"There's a picture of the team after the semi-final," said Avery. "I'd scored 50 and hit the winning runs and everyone is smiling ready to shake hands with Argentina. Everyone except me.

"I'm staring at my bat completely drained. I look at that picture and cry because it shows how I was feeling. I couldn't keep the mask on. I was broken.

"In that game I was so low I had a nervous breakdown on the field and remember none of it. At change of innings I said 'I can't cope. I have to get out'.

"Escaping wasn't an option and, next thing, I was heading to the middle. All I remember is the enormous sense of relief when it was finally over."

When she told the team about her break, it took some by surprise. All they had seen was her 'mask' and it was presumed she would be back within weeks.

"I needed to get away to rediscover myself," she says, jokingly adding "the problem being that I have a net in my house, I call my husband 'the bowling machine' and I have two dogs named after cricketers - Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad!"

Joking aside, it was a break from the cycle of train, eat, work, sleep, that was needed.

"I'd always been going 200mph and got to the stage I didn't know who Roberta was. I was Roberta the cricketer rather than Roberta the human with real feelings."

So, what has helped the Brazilian captain through these tough months?

"Therapy. People can be nervous or embarrassed but it's the best thing," she says. "I also had to find my support system and share how I was feeling.

"How can people help if you don't tell them how you're feeling?

"The other was rediscovering what I love outside cricket. I was waiting for this big moment to shock me to happiness but it's actually the little things. I can look out the window and appreciate the beauty or celebrate the end of the week with a wine. Cricket is not the only happy thing."

Roberta is not the only high-profile female cricketer to step away from the game to focus on better mental health.

In 2022, England's star all-rounder Nat Sciver and Australia captain Meg Lanning both took a break citing mental fatigue.

"It's massive that Nat and Meg spoke up," adds Avery. "It shows others it's okay to be vulnerable and that mental health affects us all. You can be great on the pitch and head of a national team winning everything yet still feel broken.

"Meg was a shock for me. I met her at the Commonwealth Games and she was serious and focused and I was in awe of her as a cricketer.

"She lifted that trophy and none of us knew she was not okay. We saw Meg Lanning the player and forgot Meg Lanning the person."

Avery hopes sharing her story and being open about mental health and challenging the societal pressures on women and girls will help break down taboos.

"There's huge pressure on women to be everything," she says. "We feel pressure to perform and believe we can't show weakness. The more women share their struggles, the more girls will understand anyone can ask for help.

"I've found my safe space, rediscovered myself and my love for cricket. I can talk about it and smile now and I'm genuinely excited to get back out there.

"I'd tell Roberta from before my break that it's okay to stop and to feel this way. It's okay to say no. Allow yourself to talk and grow and you will gain that smile and that spark back in your life and cricket."

Roberta will be pulling her pads back on in January as she prepares for the South American Championships, ICC World Cup Qualifiers and Fairbreak Invitational in Hong Kong.

It's a jam-packed calendar but the now smiling captain has the tools at her fingertips to enjoy the game again and rediscover Roberta - the human, the cricketer, the fighter.

• Information and help for the issues raised in this piece can be found by visiting BBC Action Line.