Chris Horsman: From 'no hope' cancer patient to World Cup rugby player
- Published
Chris Horsman played 14 times for Wales
Chris Horsman was ready to walk away.
Not from rugby, the game that had given a sense of purpose and direction to his life.
Nor from the dreams he had of making it to the top of the sport, something that had looked a distinct possibility having been part of a dominant Bath side.
But, all the same, the urge to give up on it all was too much. He was ready to walk away from hope.
"I can remember going in to have another round of chemotherapy and thinking 'I'm done'," Horsman said.
"Physically I was a wreck; I couldn't walk up the stairs, I was constantly sleeping or being sick, I was grey and my hair was falling out.
"But mentally I was just done. I'm not afraid to admit I felt like I'd rather just go home now - it wasn't worth the pain. I was broken."
It is easy to understand why. The promising prop was aged just 21 at the time and already facing his second struggle with testicular cancer.
It had been less than two years since he had been part of the Bath squad that became the first British team to win the Heineken Cup, though Horsman missed the final having undergone his first surgery, followed by chemotherapy.
'Time bomb'
But then the disease returned, attacking lymph nodes.
"There were several tumours basically sitting among my vital organs… it was like a time bomb," he said.
Through a mixture of bravado and blocking out the trauma of his first experience, Horsman told the professor at the Royal Marsden Hospital to get on with whatever treatment would get him back playing within a few months of his diagnosis.
"He said, 'I really wouldn't worry about the rugby now… we'll have a better understanding [in a few months] if we can treat this at all'," Horsman added.
Now 45, Horsman reflects on his road from difficulties at school dealing with dyslexia and dyspraxia, to the high of realising his international rugby dream with Wales, including the 2007 World Cup.
And yet his journey may have taken a different course had it not been for one moment, when at his lowest ebb. Fleeting, fateful, it stopped any thoughts of walking away in its tracks.
Horsman, who had gone from a 17st powerhouse to 14st as he underwent months of chemotherapy, had stepped outside of the hospital having been given a half-hour break from his drip by a nurse.
"I just sat there thinking I'm going to tell them that I'm done. I just wanted to feel like myself again, I didn't want to feel like this physically or mentally. I couldn't do it anymore," he recalled.
"Then I looked over to the children's hospital and at the moment, when I was at my absolute worst, I saw this little girl who was around seven, no hair, a tube in her nose, grey, walking with her parents. But she was running down the road, skipping, laughing, smiling.
"I just thought, if she can do it, why am I moaning? She was there prepared to face whatever was coming to her with a smile on her face."
Stopped in his tracks, Horsman scolded himself: "I had people fighting for me, so much to live for, possibly a career to go back to... so I went back in."
The treatment and following major surgery was a success, the operation leaving "a zipper" of 85 metal staples up his abdomen, though the psychological impact meant it was more numbness than a celebration, and he now accepts it's only in recent years that he has fully dealt with his experiences.
He admits he became angry at being "cheated" of opportunities, such as that European triumph and watching others overtake him for international honours.
Playing through injuries in a bid to catch up, his career was almost cut short again, this time due to a prolapsed disc. Surgery offered no guarantee.
"I remember almost arguing with my father who wanted me to carry on, but three years of constant battle physically and mentally had worn me down," he says.
"But I then I heard the worst question to ask yourself is 'What if?', because you never get the answer.
"I wondered whether, in 10 years' time, would I be sat down and wondered what if that operation gave me one chance to achieve my dream of playing on the biggest stage? Not for my ego, but to prove to myself that the lad with dyslexia and dyspraxia could do something pretty amazing."
Wales call
He could. After a move to Bridgend, he was approached by then Wales coach Steve Hansen after impressing in a game at Newbridge, posing the question of qualification on residential grounds.
Born in Buckinghamshire, Horsman felt at home in Welsh rugby which, he said, gave him back his career, enjoyment and sense of belonging, so accepted Hansen's offer.
His eyes light up at the memories of the 2003 league title win at the Brewery Field, alongside the likes of Wales stars Gareth Thomas and Dafydd James, the dressing room experiences that would have just a few years earlier seemed so bleakly out of reach.
Chris Horsman continued in Welsh rugby as a coach after retiring from playing
The surgical wounds healed, the mental scars would still be there. After so much, any setback prompted bouts of anxiety, especially following the end of top-level club rugby followed swiftly by the demise of his regional side, Celtic Warriors.
"At the time it was like hitching another wagon on the train. I'm not someone who is self-pitying but it was another reason to feel the way I was feeling," he said.
"It was only a few years ago I actually started to confront it, to see why I felt this way and what I needed to do to change."
That was to come later, but amid the anxiety there remained that international ambition. Horsman remained committed to Wales, despite a move to Worcester, turning down advances from England and their coach Andy Robinson, who had been such a great personal support during his time at Bath.
Horsman went on to win 14 caps, the first of which came against the All Blacks in 2005, five years on from being in a hospital bed and which he said justified every decision to keep going.
A Six Nations win and try against England followed, as did a place at the 2007 World Cup and that biggest stage he had strove for.
After all his body had been through, it was a recurrence of the neck issue that eventually prompted his retirement in 2009 at the age of 32.
His remarkable rugby story continued, giving back through coaching with Wales Under-20s and Wales Women and using his experiences through work with the Youth Sport Trust.
However there were at least no regrets nor bitterness, just pride in what he achieved.
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, you can find details of organisations that can help via the BBC Action Line.
Chris Horsman was speaking on a new run of Radio Wales Sport In-Depth which will also see career conversations with Danny Gabbidon, Joe Ledley, Richard Hibbard, Derwyn Jones and more.
You can hear part one on Radio Wales Sport with Chris Wathan on Friday, 7 July from 1900 BST or in full on BBC Sounds.