Transcript: 'Suddenly you get this text'

This is a full transcript of 'Suddenly you get this text' as first broadcast on 27 March 2020 as part of the Isolation Diaries strand presented by Kate Monaghan.

KATE -Hello, my Cabin Fever friends, it's me Kate Monaghan, and this is my sometimes brutally honest Isolation Diaries; my safe space to offload how I really am feeling in this challenging, to put it lightly, time of life with the coronavirus outbreak. I've got EDS, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which is a chronic pain condition which affects all my joints, so I use a wheelchair when out and about, which is obviously very little at the moment. And I've been in isolation for at least two weeks now with my wife, Holly. My EDS doesn't mean we have to be in isolation, but my wife Holly has had a kidney transplant and she is taking immune-suppressants, which means she has no immune system so she is at a very high risk. So, yeah we're here in our house together with our three year old daughter.

About two weeks ago we went into quite a strict isolation period; we've barely left our house at all since then. So, we're kind of a few weeks ahead of the rest of you guys in the UK dealing with surviving what feels like being under house arrest. And my recording stuff hasn't left my side this past week because I've experienced probably the most, well one of the biggest emotional roller-coasters of my life, and it's actually become a bit of a comfort to know that even at my most challenging moments I do get to share it all with you guys. So, here it is: the highs and lows of my past week.

[Music] [Singing to music of Saturday Night's All Right] Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday! Yeah, feeling good, it's Saturday. Maybe there's something - sorry, I'm just, it's probably super unprofessional, but I'm emptying the dishwasher as I speak to you; that's how unexciting my life is - I feel better today. Maybe it's because it's the weekend and there's not the pressure to have to do work, or maybe it's because this is more like how life would be anyway on a Saturday that makes me feel a bit better. I feel good. We've pretty much done a whole week of isolation now so that's a week done, obviously delighted about. So, one week down, 11 weeks to go. I know it's not an exact science but hopefully that's one of 12, so a twelfth has been completed. And yeah, we've chilled this morning. We're much more relaxed about Scout being allowed to come downstairs in pyjamas, which we haven't done before, and that kind of stuff.

And also, this might sound a bit mean and I apologise if it does, but normally if I am out and not able to do anything, like having to stay home and stuff on a weekend, then the weekends are like the worst time because I'm always a bit miserable; everyone's out having fun, everyone's doing stuff. No, no, not this time my friends; this time everyone's in the same boat. Everyone's, not miserable together, that would be unfair, but everyone's doing the same thing: everyone is around us, just kind of hanging out and not really doing anything; there's not loads of pictures on social media of people having fun, so that's great. Instead everyone's the same spirit of oh, we're all going to stay in and not do very much. So, yeah I'm feeling all right. I'm feeling relaxed and positive, and long may this continue.

[Music] We have quite an eclectic mix of people who live on our road, and one of the dads of one of Scout's best friends is called Jude, and he lives almost opposite us, and his dad decided that on Sunday afternoon would be a good time to have a sing-along. So, we were just sitting in our garden and we suddenly heard some singing, and Scout immediately wanted to go and find out what was going on, so we took her to find out. [Music] Right, I can…

SCOUT -Are lots of people watching him?

KATE -Maybe, let's go and see. We can hear some music. Let's go to the end of the road and see what's happening.

SCOUT -I'm mechanical.

KATE -You're mechanical, yeah, because you've got your screwdriver.

SCOUT -I'm mechanical, aren't I?

KATE -You are.

SCOUT -That's what I've got.

KATE -Hi, we've come to see where the music's coming from.

GROUP -[Singing: Everything's Going to be All Right] Thank you! [Clapping]

KATE -[Music] I find it so much easier to talk about my physical disabilities than my mental health ones. But I was thinking about it today because I have been in therapy for, like, ten years, or I was in therapy for ten years, and I'd finally graduated last summer. Do you ever graduate from therapy? I don't know. I finished with my therapist that I'd seen for ten years in the summer, and it felt like a huge achievement. But it was like every week I would try to think of an excuse not to go to therapy, and I would be trying not to go, even though I needed it and even though deep down I really enjoyed it, I still didn't actually want to have to go. So, I used to spend so much of my time to try to come up with excuses as to why I couldn't go to therapy. And honestly if I was still having therapy I would be so happy right now because I'd be like, "So sorry, I'm in isolation, can't do therapy for the next 12 weeks" and I'd have been delighted with that fact. It's so funny. I don't know if any of you guys if you have therapy if you kind of want to go and don't want to go at the same time. Because she wouldn't have been able to challenge me on it; she'd have been like, "Oh yeah, you definitely can't come to therapy". That's interesting.

Anyway I went to therapy because I have a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which has affected me for a really long time obviously, hence the 12 years in therapy. And it manifests itself in me in mainly anxiety and my responses to stuff really. And yeah, that's why my mental health does suffer a bit when stuff like this is going on. And it's why I need to try and find a way to exercise, because I find exercise helps my mental health, even though normally I can only do a small amount of it. But also one thing I find I really need for my mental health is space and quiet, and normally I find that by going and sitting in a coffee shop with a book or a laptop or just something, with a nice cup of coffee and being away and out of my house for a bit. And that is now not possible either. So, the question is: how do I recreate that in my home? It's so difficult because even trying to find five minutes to record by myself when my daughter isn't yelling at me to go and get her something, or my wife isn't telling me to go and do a job for her, or something isn't going on, is impossible. So, to try and get an hour to myself that's never going to happen, so it's really tricky. And obviously with the extra pressure that's being put on me now is quite hard because the anxiety around Holly and her health is sometimes overwhelming.

I don't know, every time I leave the house now, which is very infrequent, but I need to try and get out of the house just to take Scout out for a five minute walk or something, I feel awful about coming back in because I just think, all I can think for myself is like, I'm bringing bugs back into the house, I'm going to infect Holly, and am I doing the right thing and all of this kind of stuff, and it's just so anxiety provoking. I really am trying to be wary of looking after my head as well as looking after my body. Maybe that will involve more chocolate. There's quite a theme to this podcast which is generally about me eating a lot of sugary stuff, which I probably shouldn't, but what are you going to do. When you're isolated in your house there's really only one thing to do and that's eat a lot. I don't drink so eating is my main vice. I'm going to come out of this the size of a house and I'm okay with that.

[Music] It's Sunday and it's Mother's Day and normally we would be seeing one of our parents, one of our mothers this weekend. Holly's mum was supposed to be up with us, and that's now obviously not happened. You can't really properly celebrate anything, can you? It's just such a shame. And I know my mum she likes Mother's Day, she likes some of us to be around her on Mother's Day, it means a lot to her, so not being able to do that is really difficult. It's just really hard; this whole thing is really hard. The worst thing though about today is I'm starting to hear rumours on Facebook, people are posting, obviously we have a lot of friends in the transplant community because we know a lot of people who have had various transplants, kidneys and lungs and all sorts, and they're all starting to post that the government are going to tell us from tomorrow that anyone who has had a transplant will be told to stay indoors for 12 weeks, and that we're going to get that text or letter or something soon. And so loads of people have been posting about it on Facebook - sorry, that's me drinking my cup of tea; you can probably hear the clink.

SCOUT -Mum!

KATE -Yes, my love?

SCOUT -Can I have it?

KATE -Can you have Weetabix?

SCOUT -Yeah.

KATE -Okay, give me two seconds and I'll come down. Oh, the joys of being a mother. Honestly, the child wants Weetabix and half four in the afternoon, it's crackers. Anyway so yeah, we're starting to get wind that something is going on, that people who were already identified as vulnerable are going to be put on some kind of high-risk list and be told to isolate for 12 weeks, which is what we're doing but we, oh god, it's like we're setting the clock back again. We'd already done a week and now, what, it's going to be another 12 weeks. We were feeling good about doing a week. Ah. I really hope this isn't quite true, but I just guess that it is going to be true. Nightmare.

[Music] Right, Holly's just text me from, she's upstairs, I'm downstairs, and she's said she's got the text. She's just with my daughter, our daughter, and I'm just going to ask her what the text says.

SCOUT -I want water.

KATE -You've got loads of water in the bath.

SCOUT -I'll mix it in.

KATE -All right, you mix it in. Okay, that's enough now. Okay, tell me what the text says.

HOLLY -It says we have identified that you're someone at risk of severe illness if you catch coronavirus. Please remain at home for a minimum of 12 weeks. Home is the safest place for you. Staying in helps you stay well and it will help the NHS too. You can open a window but do not leave your home, and stay three steps away from others indoors. Wash your hands more often for at least 20 seconds. And then it's got a link to other things: what do we mean by extremely vulnerable, number one: organ transplant recipients. Yeah, it's quite weird.

KATE -How do you feel?

HOLLY -I feel a bit down about it to be honest, because when I'm in the bubble of my house, had quite a nice day, being out in the garden, looking after Scout, that kind of thing, and I've been feeling good. And then suddenly you get this text that reminds you that you're in pretty much the…

KATE -I think we should be careful because Scout's here; she can pick up on this. Because she will listen to all of this, won't she?

HOLLY -Yeah, so maybe we should record it later.

KATE -Don't you think? We can talk a little bit.

HOLLY -But I can't talk very candidly then.

KATE -No, I know.

HOLLY -But obviously you read it and you remember that you're very, very vulnerable, and it literally could kill you. And that's…

KATE -Yeah, pretty scary. Are we supposed to be staying away right now, because I'm sort of leaning in to you?

HOLLY -Yeah, according to this text you should be three metres away.

KATE -Does it say three metres or three feet?

HOLLY -Oh, three steps.

KATE -Oh okay, three steps. Still, how are you going to keep Scout three steps away from you?

HOLLY -What, without breaking her heart?

KATE -Yeah, going out, doing anything so we can stay close to you.

HOLLY -Yeah. It says you can open a window, and that kind of infers that you shouldn't be in your garden.

KATE -You're not allowed? Surely you can be in the garden, surely?

HOLLY -I don't know.

KATE -[Music] Okay, so hopefully the child is now asleep or on her way to sleep anyway. Sorry, for cutting you short earlier, Holly, I just realised we were getting - sorry, I'm climbing into bed to sit next to my wife - I just realised we were getting a bit deep and that Scout's three and a half, not too far off four now, and she'll hear everything, won't she?

HOLLY -Yeah, picks up on everything.

KATE -Yeah, so it might be best us not talking about our fears about you dying when she can hear us, because otherwise that is going to increase her anxiety, at an already anxious time for her. So, yeah, go on, how are you feeling?

HOLLY -Well, as we were saying, I've just got the text saying I've been identified as someone at risk of severe illness. And I don't know, it kind of caught me off guard, because I've had quite a nice day. Obviously I haven't left the house, but I've been in the garden, it's been really sunny, and I've been enjoying doing a bit of home schooling with Scout and playing outside and stuff.

KATE -But why did it catch you off guard? Because we knew last night after…

HOLLY -Yeah, I just hadn't been thinking of it because I hadn't, as I said…

KATE -Well, we listened to Boris talking last night. We heard rumours.

HOLLY -I don't know, it's just you get this text and it just gave me a shock because it's like: oh hi, you might die, so don't go outside, you can open a window. And I was a bit like, oh god, there it is in black and white, there it is in writing. And obviously day to day life I don't think of myself as a very vulnerable person at all; I lead a pretty normal life. So, to be put in this category that I feel like in normal day-to-day life I don't belong to just feels really weird and quite scary. It's made me feel a bit more anxious. And although I haven't left the house, I've been in the garden, I don't know if that's okay anymore. I hope it is.

KATE -Surely a garden's okay, surely?

HOLLY -And I've been having conversations with neighbours from, I don't know, literally five metres away. But now I think is that too…should I just be sitting inside indoors? And it also states that I should be three steps away from everyone in my house. That would be impossible with Scout.

KATE -Yes, we should be sleeping apart, we should be using different bathrooms, we shouldn't be cooking at the same time, preparing food at the same time. I mean, that's just not…

HOLLY -It's not really feasible, is it?

KATE -No.

HOLLY -We're doing our very best. Yeah, so apparently Boris is doing an announcement in about 20 minutes' time; we're expecting it to be full lockdown.

KATE -Well, at least everyone's in the same boat then, I guess.

HOLLY -Yeah, I guess so. I've no idea how they're going to enforce it. We've already done a week of this so a lot of people today have been, oh it's day one, and stuff. And we're like it's day nine. And actually I think it's going okay. I think if we can keep in the garden, we're lucky enough to have quite a decent garden, then that…

KATE -It's not huge though; it's just fine.

HOLLY -No, it's not huge at all, but some people have no gardens.

KATE -Yeah, I know.

HOLLY -We lived for years without a garden, didn't we, and it's still quite a novelty to me.

KATE -Yeah, because when we were in London we had no garden. Can you imagine living in that flat in London?

HOLLY -Yeah, but that's what millions of people are doing.

KATE -Yeah. I really feel for anyone, like my best friend, she lives at the top of a 14-floor building, and they've got the tiniest bit of outside space, and it's not safe because it's a balcony that's too windy. If it does get into lockdown they're going to be stuck in that flat for days, weeks, with two children. So, yeah in the grand scheme of things we're lucky to have what we've got.

[Music] Okay, it's two o'clock in the morning and oh man, I've just come downstairs because I cannot sleep. I'm feeling pretty stressed. I need to stress eat basically I think. Yeah, so today Hol's got the text saying she's one of the most vulnerable people and then we decided to watch Boris telling us that nobody should go outside. [Coughing] Oh god that's a cough. Panic! I'm going to need to eat more chocolate. Anyway, oh jeez, that's just a normal cough, isn't it, just a regular cough, totally fine. Not stressing about that cough at all. That is just a regular cough. Anyway yeah, so we decided to listen to Boris and I decided that because of my anxiety I would take a fully prescribed diazepam in order to help deal with the anxiety that was more than likely going to come from said announcement from Boris. So, I did that, and that helped a bit, and then it must have weared off, worn off, wornered, wordeded [sic] off… Because I cannot sleep. And that's just me closing the chocolate donut box by the way that somebody brought round to us the other day, like I said, very kindly. So, yeah now I can't sleep and I've come downstairs. And I have this terrible habit of stress eating. And I'm just about to do more of it. Such a bad idea but I'm just going to do it because it's the only thing that I can think of to help me feel a bit better right now. But don't tell Holly because she gets really annoyed when I get up in the night and stress eat. So, yeah this is just between us.

Oh, and pro tip for you, by the way: if you've got a donut that's a bit old, you've had it a few days, [beeping] don't throw it away thinking that that's no good - ow - put it in the microwave because once you warm it up that donut is good to go.

SCOUT -[Background chattering]

KATE -Nobody slept well last night. Scout was up until about ten. Obviously I was up until really late. So, everyone is feeling grumpy and tired and a bit miserable today, so great. But the sun is shining and we have a garden, so maybe if we get outside a bit this morning. No, actually I've got loads of work to do and so has Holly, so we can maybe get Scout outside, but the mood she's in unlikely. But we will try.

[Music] So, I think we can safely say it's been quite a testing week. And I've still got at least, well I thought, like, ten weeks left, but then Holly got the text this week so that's another 12 weeks. So, is it 11 weeks? I have no idea. Do you know what, I don't even know how long left in isolation. If it's even 12 weeks, part of me thinks it's going to be longer than 12 weeks anyway, so we've still got a long time left in isolation. So, if you want to reach out to me or the team please email my producer Amy Elizabeth, [e-mail]. If you're feeling particularly lonely or frustrated or you've got something that's grating on you please do share, because it's probably grating on me too, and it would be great to hear other people in the same boat. Or if you've just got advice on how to navigate this really tricky time, or how to keep a very energetic three year old entertained also get in touch, because I will thank you forever if you can even give us five minutes of peace. Just pop it in an email. At least the one thing we've got more now of is time, hey.

The pressure is certainly ramping up and I'll be keeping my recording stuff right next to me every step of the way to let you know exactly how I'm feeling. Have I been too honest? Probably, but I feel like it's probably just going to get even more brutally real. So, I look forward to speaking to you more for Episode 3.