Stealthing: 'I didn't realise it's rape until it happened to me'

Two years ago Gemma (her name has been changed) had sex with a man who removed the condom without her knowledge or consent.

Stealthing - or non-consensual condom removal - is rape under UK law, but there's only ever been one successful prosecution, and that was in 2019.

"I didn't know anything about stealthing until it happened to me," she tells Radio 1 Newsbeat.

"It was only afterwards I realised what he'd done and I felt so upset and worried.

"I got the morning-after pill, but when I didn't get my period the following month I took a pregnancy test."

Gemma says the test was positive, and she was shocked to discover she was pregnant.

'He told me it was £50 for an abortion'

"I was really angry, emotional, and confused. I texted the guy but he didn't think it was a big deal and told me it was only about £50 to get an abortion - but it changed so much in my life.

"In the end I decided to get a termination but it was a very difficult decision to make - I beat myself up about it so much because I wanted a baby but knew it wasn't the right circumstances."

Gemma did report her experience to the police, but the case wasn't taken any further.

"I actually went to them when I realised it is rape and because I got pregnant."

She says the police spoke to the man but said there wasn't enough evidence as it was "my word against his and he denied it".

The issue of stealthing is explored in the BBC One series I May Destroy You

The issue was explored last year, in the BBC One drama I May Destroy You.

In the fourth episode, the main character Arabella has sex with a man who removes the condom without her knowledge. Like many women, Arabella doesn't realise it's rape until she hears it discussed on a podcast.

• Writing about my sexual assault was 'cathartic'

• How TV's most talked-about sex scenes were filmed

'What we're talking about is rape'

A spokesperson for the charity Rape Crisis says stealthing is something it's hearing about "more and more".

"It's always difficult to tell if that's because it's happening more, or because people are more aware of it and open to discussing," says Katie Russell from the charity.

She also believes the term "stealthing" isn't that helpful.

"It's a relatively new phrase, and in some ways it's useful to have a term so people know what it is, but in other ways it can be a bit misleading.

"It sort of sanitises and minimises it, because ultimately what we're talking about is rape.

"We have to be crystal clear this is non-consensual condom removal, and it's not something that's a bit cheeky or naughty to try and get away with - this is something serious that can have really damaging impacts for other person's whole life and health."

There are no figures available from Rape Crisis or the police of the number of stealthing incidents, because they are recorded as rape.

A spokesperson from The National Police Chiefs' Council says: "We would always encourage people to report this either by calling 101 or reporting it at a front desk of a police station."

Edem says she didn't report her incident because she was concerned about how long an investigation would take

Edem Barbara Ntumy says it also happened to her.

"I was seeing someone casually and during sex they removed the condom without my permission. I confronted them about it at the time but they denied it and got quite aggressive so I decided to stop speaking to them," she tells Newsbeat.

"I didn't go on to report it because I didn't think I would get the outcome I wanted.

"I was very aware rape cases take a very long time to be investigated, and all your devices are confiscated and it can take a really long time to resolve and it was just something I didn't want to go through."

Over the past five years rape cases reported to the police have risen, but the number making it to court has more than halved.

• Why are rape cases falling?

In a statement, the Crown Prosecution Service told Newsbeat: "We are determined to drive up the number of rape cases going to court. Too few victims are seeing justice, and we are working hard to change that."

Edem works in sexual health now, and would like to see a method of recording stealthing incidents, which doesn't involve the criminal justice system.

'I've made peace with it'

"I think it happens a lot and there should be a way victims should be able to report it, without necessarily going down the route of police involvement," she says.

"I've made peace with it now, the biggest thing for me at the time was that I might have contracted an STI, because we were casual and not in a relationship.

"It made me angry because if you are having something casual it's so important to respect their boundaries and be safe, especially if you are having sex with multiple people."

Kate Parker from the Schools Consent Project says it's "fundamental" that children learn about consent in school

Kate Parker is a lawyer and Director of the Schools Consent Project, which teaches young people about consent, she says a lot of people are quite surprised to learn stealthing amounts to rape in law.

"It's because in a case of stealthing someone quite clearly has only agreed to have sex with the use of a condom, so if you remove the condom it's not something they've consented to - and that makes it an offence."

She says it feeds into a wider conversation about respecting boundaries, and believes consent should be on the curriculum.

"At the moment sex and relationship education is taught in all schools, but consent is an opt-in module which means some schools avoiding teaching it all together.

"But it is so fundamental to sex education that in my view, young people aren't being properly taught without it.

'Stealthing can ruin lives'

For Gemma, she says the impact on her life has been devastating, and would also like more education around the topic.

"I had to move house afterwards because being in my flat reminded me of what happened and I needed therapy to get over it.

"Stealthing can ruin people's lives and we need to be educating people about it."

If you've been affected by any of the issues in this video, you can visit BBC Action Line for more information.

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