The Life of Fred: From £10k debt and despair to successful podcaster

Freddie Nicholson's podcast has been streamed more than 10,000 times

Freddie Nicholson was £10,000 in debt. He gambled as a distraction from his deep depression and drank bottles of wine each day to try to numb his feelings.

Three years ago, he wrote notes to his family and left home, intending to end his life. But he survived.

Now, the 28-year-old from Bedford is debt free and has hopes for the future.

He has turned his experiences into a successful podcast that is helping others.

Here, in his own words, he speaks of his journey to find "peace".

'I was just spiralling'

It was constant mental torture. A battle with another side of me. Gambling and alcohol was just momentary respite from the continuous negative thoughts.

Even though I knew it was bad for me, it still gave me something else to focus on other than feeling down, while all the time trying to be funny and a character. Trying to be "a man".

The gambling started on my 18th birthday, so as soon as I was old enough.

When I won, people in the betting shops would ask for tips. It was an ego boost and I wasn't really aware of how much I was spending, but it was hundreds and hundreds every week.

Before long I was at least £10,000 in debt and I'd taken out loans, which I couldn't afford to pay back, so I was just spiralling.

Freddie Nicholson wants to use his experiences to help others with depression

I don't know why my depression started.

Even as a child I felt anxious and down. I come from a loving family, I've always been popular and had a job and so I can't pinpoint a reason. I guess it's just the way I'm wired.

Being the joker

Losing my grandfather was probably the moment I understood what real pain was. I was about 16 or 17. When he died, my whole life changed and I was already struggling, so I didn't need that knock.

I hid it very well. I lived with my mum who's the perfect mother but I didn't want to stress her out, so I would hide in my room and not draw attention to myself.

I'd say "I'm just popping out for a bit" and I would walk for miles and cry.

Being the joker and making everyone laugh was draining because people had no idea how I actually felt inside.

It reached a point when I had no money, my relationship was struggling and I thought, if this is what life is all about, I'm not sure if I can do it.

I didn't think anyone would miss me.

• If you are feeling emotionally distressed, help and support is available via BBC Action Line

One day I went out, determined to end my life, but, somehow, I was saved.

I came home and I broke down. My mum and my family were just amazing. When you see how much pain your loss would cause, you realise it's not just about you.

'He listened to me'

The next day, my mum took me to the doctors and that's where the recovery began.

It is difficult. You have to want to change and that's hard because with mental health you believe that you're worthless, so you have to convince yourself that you deserve happiness.

You have to shine the mirror on yourself and say: "Am I contributing to my own negative mental health?" Because it's very easy to just blame everyone else. If you're gambling, that massively affects your mental health.

I called Refresh Debt and they were amazing. I was crying down the phone to a man who was unbelievably kind. He just listened to me and the first thing he said was: "We're going to get you out of this."

They played a huge part in my recovery because I was on anti-depressants and I was having therapy, but while I was still in debt it was a constant reminder of the past.

I didn't want to be the same man, so I changed my legal name. I was born Rhys, but I took the name Freddie instead. That's me now.

Freddie Nicholson discusses mental health, relationships and poetry in his Spotify podcast

I started making The Life of Fred podcast so if I ever did something silly, my family could still hear my voice. Then it just blew up.

It's my poetry and thoughts about my life and mental health.

The episodes have now been streamed more than 10,000 times. People message me saying "I feel the same way" or "I've not heard a man talk like that about feelings and emotion", which is more than I could ever have dreamed.

'Now I feel peaceful'

It means everything to help others because when I was low, I didn't know anyone else felt the same way. I didn't hear people talk about mental health, specifically men. But if you can hear someone you relate to, it makes it easier to think there's hope.

It's not always the quiet friends who're struggling. Ask your "happy" friend if they're OK and look in their eyes.

If you can't tell people you're suffering, write it down or record it on your phone and give it to a family member, saying "this is how I really feel". You'd be surprised how unloading that is.

The change in my life is night and day.

I never thought I would be happy or enjoy life. I never, ever thought that I could see hope in the future. I never expected this.

I was so convinced there was no light at the end of the tunnel but now I feel peaceful. It feels good.

As told to Janine Machin.