Former hostage negotiator pens memoir about her experiences

Nicky Perfect said most people talk about "what I want" rather than "what the other person wants"

In her job as a police negotiator, Nicky Perfect had seen it all, from rooftop standoffs to perilous hostage situations. She says her frontline work taught her the greatest lessons in life.

"People in crisis just want to be heard, they want to be listened to," former police officer Nicky Perfect explains.

"It's not because they want to die, it's because they can't see a way out of the situation they're in.

"They want to feel valued and validated and to know how they're feeling is okay."

The 54-year-old, who lives in Bedfordshire, spent more than 30 years juggling family life with the demands of a career in the Metropolitan Police.

But for the last decade before retirement, she trained and worked as a crisis and hostage negotiator, travelling the world with her expertise.

Nicky Perfect has given talks to ex-military personnel with her expertise in hostage negotiation

It was after she attended a two-week intensive course in negotiation in 2008 that she had what she described as an "epiphany moment".

The wife and mother said "everyone has a story" and she wanted to become a negotiator as she believed she was a "good communicator".

But it proved harder than she imagined.

"My world turned upside down on how you communicate," she said.

She says that on her first police negotiation assignment, she was sent to deal with a recently-released prisoner who had been in a car crash and was still holding his small child.

She thought she would be a "heroine" and resolve the situation quickly.

"Of course none of that happened," she said.

During the eight-hour incident, he said two things to her. "One was 'you don't understand' - and the other is far too rude to print anywhere", she added.

Ms Perfect attended the King's Coronation in May due to being awarded the British Empire Medal in 2022

Ms Perfect worked on the elite New Scotland Yard Hostage and Crisis Negotiation Unit, becoming deputy head in 2016.

She was the first female to become the Director of UK Training on the National Hostage and Crisis Negotiation Course, responsible for designing and training police officers across the UK.

The job involved assessing their capability as negotiators, focusing on how to apply confident communication skills to difficult situations.

She said she has not suffered from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) but during one session as a personal trainer, she asked the attendees to drop to their knees and "they suddenly changed into people in orange suits", as it took her back to a Syrian hostage situation.

"It completely took my breath away," she said.

However, she says, these days she "can't watch violence on television and I overreact to loud bangs".

Ms Perfect travelled to the FBI headquarters in Washington to teach crisis negotiation skills

Ms Perfect, originally from Ealing, London, moved to Bedfordshire in 2015 as she wanted a "quiet life".

She retired in 2018 and bought a garage, which she converted into a café, gym and community hub.

"We all have a challenge at some stage in our life, and loneliness is one of the biggest killers in the UK," she said.

"It is one of the reasons I set up the coffee shop because I never really wanted anybody in my community to be lonely."

She also runs a consultancy business, specialising in communication and negotiation coaching, and has now penned a memoir of her experiences.

In 2022 she was awarded a British Empire Medal (BEM) for services to the community during the Covid-19 pandemic.

"I learnt a huge lesson - when it's an emotional conversation, or a disagreement, or a difficult or challenging conversation, all of which we all have all the time is, if you can stop and just put yourself into the other person's position and look at the world from their perspective as best you can, it will make life a lot easier.

"When you're present, fully present with somebody else, and you give them your time, it makes a massive difference."