Bristol festival asks can there be a 'gift in grief'?

Lucy said she is still processing the loss of their baby

In a year that has seen a national outpouring of grief, a team of academics has been encouraging people to learn more about bereavement and even to see the "gift in grief". Dr Lucy Selman set up the Good Grief Festival, which was attended by around 12,000 people.

Now more than 60 hours' worth of content has been moved online, helping even more people navigate these difficult times.

"I was 15 when my father died and we lost our baby, Ada, two years ago," said Lucy.

"My dad had cancer for about five years, but me and my sister weren't told. We knew he was very ill, but didn't realise how serious it was.

"With Ada there was this profound shock. The only person I knew that had experienced a stillbirth was my grandmother, but she'd died a couple of years before."

Lucy, who has spent 15 years researching people's experiences of end of life care and bereavement, says she feels strongly that an important aspect of research is to engage with the public. The Good Grief Festival, broadcast online from Bristol, saw her professional and personal lives brought together.

Lucy's commitment to what she has been doing with the festival has been driven by and born out of her own experiences of loss

She was six months pregnant when her waters broke on the morning of her first daughter's birthday party. She was taken to hospital and found to have an infection. After five days she was sent home.

The next night, Lucy felt a sharp pain and, later, contractions. After rushing back to hospital doctors delivered the news there was no heartbeat.

Ada died on a Thursday evening. Lucy was consequently induced and gave birth the next day.

Lucy introduced and closed the festival "Grief School" session on stillbirth, taking with her Ada's memory box.

"It was really important to me to do that, but it was difficult to be involved in," she said.

"People might assume that at six months, it's a pregnancy loss, not a baby loss and that it's not as traumatic, but if you've carried a baby for six months you are connected, they are part of your family."

Lucy and Sean made a memory box for Ada which she took with her to the festival's Grief School session on stillbirth

Lucy would like to see bereavement support made part of health and social care, and grief a topic that people think and talk about. Hence, the festival.

"Ultimately grief affects all of us, at some point we are all going to experience it. It's something we could deal with a lot better with in our society," she said.

Lucy talks about the "grief gift" - referring to the positive side of going through a profound loss and coming out the other end.

"It can give a sense of your own strength and resilience when you get to a point where you can see that something worthwhile can come out of something awful," she said.

Roisheen and Dave were married in York in 2004

Roisheen Childs, from York, was one of those who signed up for the festival - which uses a moth as its logo.

She was prompted to attend the sessions after a butterfly landed on the exact spot in her garden that her late husband said a DIY job needed doing.

"You hold onto anything and everything and I thought that was Dave telling me everything is ok, you'll be ok," the 63-year-old said.

Roisheen was married to Dave for 16 years. It was the second marriage for both of them, described by Roisheen as "quality over quantity".

'Whole body ached'

After becoming ill in December 2019 with a cough, Dave, 71, was diagnosed with cancer in the spine in April. On 4 July, just three months after he was first diagnosed, he passed away.

Roisheen attended four of the festival sessions including "the grief gift" and "the healing power of nature in grief".

"If you don't do, you don't get, and it was lovely to listen to other peoples stories and get further information," she said.

"It is the end of life and I just hope the festival helps so people are not so afraid or frightened anymore."

After being forced to move online, the festival was opened up to people from around the world, with more than 32,000 total views across all content.

Russell Quinn was one of several people who attended the online festival from overseas

Russell Quinn, 41, from Cheltenham and now living in Los Angeles, lost his mother and grandmother in the space of a few weeks.

Linda passed away in December 2017 after being diagnosed with breast cancer ten years earlier.

A few weeks later Russell's 89-year-old grandmother fell in her house, broke her hip, and died during surgery. They were his last two immediate family members.

After hearing about the festival Russell, who has suffered post-traumatic stress disorder-like symptoms, signed up and said he found it "overwhelmingly positive".

"It had been a extremely hard time for me and suddenly I found myself in a chat room with all of these people who had gone through similar things and I no longer felt alone with those feelings," he said.

"To hear other people talking about, and confirming the same feelings, felt deeply cathartic after so long."

Russell Quinn lost his mother, Linda, and grandmother, Joan, within a few weeks of one another

Reflecting on the festival Lucy said: "It was quite phenomenal, seeing people interacting and being very engaged with what was being said and also with each other... and recognising the shared nature of their experiences.

"It's a reminder that there can be a positive side to grief. When you are in it you obviously don't feel like that, but over time it is possible to see some benefit in how grief transforms you."

Lucy added she hopes that by helping people learn more about grief they have brought some solace to people at this really challenging time.