Alcohol addiction: 'Why couldn't he kick the habit for me?'

Richard Morgan as a boy with his journalist father David

In September 2016 at the Mater Hospital in Belfast I had to make a decision I never thought I would be faced with.

I had to tell doctors to switch off my dad's life support machine.

I thought this had started as one of his regular hospital stays that I had become accustomed to in the 18 months since my mum's death from cancer, when his drinking got the better of him.

His death left me stunned and devastated, but it also left me angry and full of resentment because of how he died.

At 56, he died as a result of a heart attack due to the stress his drinking had placed on his other major organs.

I was left with so many questions; Why couldn't he kick the habit for me? Did he intentionally hurt me and those around him? Could I forgive him?

What version of dad?

I am an only child and my childhood memories are happy and full of love, but our relationship in those final few months was strained by his drinking.

Dad was always very social and liked a drink but I have realised I was somewhat shielded from what eventually became a problem.

Life was difficult when he was drinking and I never knew what version of dad would be waiting for me when I arrived home from work.

I would often find myself hoping he was asleep and then searching for alcohol he might have hidden behind the sofa or in cupboards.

When I think about him, his drinking is the first thing to come to mind but he was much more than that.

Richard and his mother Tina and father David in October 2014

He worked as a journalist for the BBC for many years during The Troubles, he was a great cook and loved to read.

Of course I am not the only person to go through this and I wanted to find out if how I was feeling about my dad was normal.

"For a long time I was angry and resentful and frustrated," said Catherine, from Bangor.

Her dad died a number of years ago after abusing alcohol for as long as she can remember.

"There's a lot of years of hurt and upset and fear and unhappiness, and nobody can fix that now."

She has found some sort of peace but still has questions she would like to ask if he were still around.

"I would just ask: 'Tell me what was wrong, or tell me why?'

"But I'd also tell him: 'I forgive you.'"

"That's taken me quite some time to get to that point but in the context of where I'm at in my life now, there isn't really a place for holding any grudges or being angry any more."

David Morgan started his journalism career in newspapers before working for the BBC and UTV

"I was quite young when I picked up that my mum had a problem," said Elizabeth, from Newry.

We meet at Davina's Ark in Newry, which provides help for people with addictions but also for children growing up in households where their parents abuse drugs and alcohol.

Elizabeth, 30, has cut contact with her mother due to her drinking.

"Her drink, or her holy water as she called it, made her float across the floor," she said.

"It made her happy, it made her angry.

"You would dread going home wondering if she is in a good mood or a bad mood. Is she going to throw this dish at me? You are constantly walking on eggshells.

"Trust is a big issue. Once that trust is broken in the family home, it is very hard to build it up again.

"I'd say addiction is like throwing a stone into the sea and the ripple effects is the rest of the family trying to deal with it."

Reflecting on my dad's life and death has brought me on an unexpected journey and has helped me deal with our relationship and his relationship with alcohol.

From speaking to people, including people in recovery, it becomes clear that talking frankly and openly about addiction is the best way to understand the profound effect it can have on people and families.

Stories in Sound: Under the Influence will broadcast on BBC Radio Ulster and BBC Radio Foyle on Sunday 29 September at 12:30 BST.