Mental health: Turning regret into action after friends' deaths
- Published
Dan Simms has lost two friends to suicide and has struggled with his own mental health
After learning his childhood best friend had taken his own life, Dan Simms was left with an overwhelming sense of regret - why hadn't he messaged him all those times he had thought to do so?
Dan and his friend Tom had grown up together in Caldicot, Monmouthshire, but lost touch after Dan moved to Canada for a short time.
"I could have been that friend there for him and perhaps saved his life - that thought will always be in the back of my head," said the 23-year-old.
In November, almost six years after Tom's death at the age of 18, Dan lost another friend, Rory, 35, to suicide.
"He was in the gym one morning... he seemed happy, excited, he was full of energy... that exact night he went missing, and the next morning we'd found out he had sadly taken his own life," said Dan.
Dan with his friend Tom (right) who took is own life at 18
"That's still very, very raw."
Dan, himself no stranger to mental health problems, has decided to take on a challenge to raise awareness of male suicide, encourage men to talk and raise money for charity Andy's Man Club and the families of the friends he's lost.
On Saturday, the day after his 24th birthday, he is he taking on the epic task of walking from Caldicot in Monmouthshire to Amsterdam.
The journey will take him across the Severn Bridge to Bristol, onto Corsham, Oxford, Swindon, and then to Harwich where he will catch a ferry to the Hook of Holland and continue his walk onto the Netherlands' capital.
It involves 400km (248.5 miles) of walking which he hopes to complete over 13 days clocking up an average of 31km (19 miles) a day, staying at friends' houses, cheap accommodation and sometimes camping along the way.
He said he hoped his walk would make people with mental health problems feel "valued, important and understood".
"I chose this time of year deliberately to make it harder, I want it to be a lonely and painful experience," said Dan.
Dan's friend Rory (pictured) died in November
"Mental illness is a lonely and painful experience. This walk symbolises that cold, lonely, dark journey through a mental health crisis. A walk in summer would be too easy. This had to be a proper challenge."
Over the past decade the suicide rate among men has been higher in Wales than in England, according to the latest ONS data.
In 2022, north-east England had the highest rate of male suicide, 12.8 per 100,000 individuals, followed by Wales and north-west England at 12.5.
It also shows that men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women in Wales.
"To feel that lost and broken that you feel the need to do that is absolutely heartbreaking," said Dan.
It was in Dan's final year of secondary school when his own mental health began to spiral and he found himself in a "dark place".
"I used that as an excuse to be sort of disrespectful to people, quite aggressive, quite a nasty person," he said.
"I had a good heart deep down, but the mental health problems sort of took over that."
He said he would sometimes get so angry as he was aware of scaring those around him.
He did not want to speak to his GP or a counsellor.
"Number one I didn't feel like anyone would understand and number two I didn't feel like anyone would really care," he said.
"I had been betrayed and let down by so many people that I didn't want to open up to anyone, because I didn't trust anyone and to this day I still don't trust anyone 100%."
Last year, Dan married his childhood sweetheart, Chloe, and is now busy working as a warehouse manager, Amazon delivery driver and online strength coach, and says he feels mentally stronger.
"I'm in a very good place mentally right now... I know how to deal with any problems that come my way," he said.
He said things that help his mental health include going to the gym, working hard, eating well, being around the right people and his faith.
Another coping strategy is to "turn those negative emotions into positives" - a recent example being channelling his grief into planning the challenge he is about to embark on.
But he admits he still finds it difficult to talk about how he is feeling.
"I always say it's very, very important for men to talk and I don't want to be a hypocrite at all but I don't really talk to anyone," he said.
Dan is attempting to walk from Caldicot to Amsterdam in memory of his friends
Losing Tom and Rory has taught him that men can be suffering in silence.
"Some people just don't show the signs and [Rory] didn't really show a lot of signs that he was suffering," he said.
He said he was now determined to be there for other people.
"No other families should have to through the same thing as these two families are very sadly going through right now."
If you're affected by any of the issues in this article you can find details of organisations who can help via the BBC Action Line.
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