"In my head you're either going to win or the worst can happen" - Glenn Irwin
- Published
Glenn Irwin pictured with partner Laura and children Freddie and Gia Annie after winning a Superbike race at the North West 200
"You look at your kids and you play with them and cuddle them and you just don't know.
"I wish I didn't have those thoughts but it's what we do."
Those are just some of the candid reflections of motorcycle racer Glenn Irwin as he explains in stark terms his emotions before competing in public road race events such as the North West 200 and Isle of Man TT.
The 33-year-old is well aware of the inherent risks such races pose.
"At British Superbikes I never question what I do - I know it's a dangerous sport but you don't think about it much," Irwin told The BBC Bikes Podcast.
"In road racing you get all the emotion. The North West, I've been successful there but I get scared before I go.
"You just don't know - in my head you're either going to win or the worst can happen. That's how I think."
The Carrickfergus rider has won the last six Superbike races at the North West and made his debut at the TT in June, an event that was overshadowed by the death of five competitors.
Irwin became the fastest ever newcomer over the Mountain Course with a lap at an average speed of 129.849mph on his way to eighth position in the Superbike TT on the Honda Racing Fireblade.
'You can't crash there'
"At the North West I get anxiety over whether I'll win but also what might happen you. Then when I went to the TT it was so nerve-racking.
"I don't think about not going back there but I do plan it to be a shorter career. I love the place already but know what I put others through.
"It won't stop me doing it, I want to have that 'silver lady' [the trophy awarded for winning the Senior TT] in my living room and say I've done that.
"I believe I can achieve that 100% but I try not to take ridiculous risks at the TT. If I rode at a track race how I rode at the TT I would finish last.
"It's a different style - you can't crash there, that has to be the mentality.
"If my mentality that you can't crash there is good enough to win, as it has been at the North West and the Macau Grand Prix, then I will win one, but if not and a podium is all I can achieve then that is my lot."
Glenn Irwin negotiates Ballaugh Bridge during his maiden TT appearance in June
The 32-year-old was coy about sharing any targets before making his TT bow but is now happy to reveal what he hoped to achieve.
"I thought I could lap at 131mph in my first year and I loved practice week, I was on target for everything I wanted to achieve and the weather was good.
"Race week came and there were damp patches to contend with so that left me with no desire to improve my lap or sector times.
"There were so many incidents - first there was Mark Purslow, then Davy Morgan, who was so popular with everyone in Northern Ireland. I felt for the French sidecar duo and I had formed a bit of a bond with the Stocktons [a sidecar drew who were killed in a race accident].
"I'm still new enough to road racing that I haven't been around many serious incidents and it just started happening one by one.
"I took the news of Davy's passing to the grid with me and while I had a steering damper issue I was just saying to myself, 'you're pulling in'. I wasn't ready to go out and race that day.
"Race week was very tough but I enjoyed the Senior race, even though the wind was horrendous and ultimately suffered a mechanical problem with the clutch and I had to retire.
Glenn Irwin leaves the start-line to compete in the Senior TT
'Nothing beats riding a bike to the limit'
While road racing exposes its participants to a unique sense of thrill and danger, Irwin believes "nothing beats riding a motorbike to the limit" on a short circuit.
"British Superbikes is my bread and butter - what I know and what I strive for every day.
"It pays the majority of our family's income so it's important that I work hard for that to continue.
"Getting to ride at the TT and the North West is incredible, it's an amazing feeling, very challenging and a rollercoaster of emotions, all of which play with your adrenaline levels. It's the highest of excitement.
"What I and other top TT riders can do is take a bike to the limit on a short circuit.
"When I left the TT and went to Knockhill I was back to losing the front, spinning, getting crossed up, braking on the limit.
"After two weeks of riding so far away from the limit of a motorbike, being back on a track on the limit, if you want to ask what's better, nothing beats riding a motorbike to the limit."
'I'd love to make World Superbike debut'
While Irwin believes it is unlikely he will compete for a full season at World Superbike level, he still harbours ambitions of securing some 'wildcard' rides to race at specific rounds in the future.
"I absolutely love riding for Honda and I want to succeed in BSB for them but I would love to represent them in WSB.
"I'd love to get there full-time but I'm 32 and I've never been there so it probably goes against me. I'd go in the morning but it probably isn't going to happen.
"It would be great to make my World Superbike debut though and I'd love it to happen at Donington Park.
"My main aims are to keep winning at the North West, keep building at the TT and tick off some WSB wildcards. That is realistic and very achievable."
'Being honest helped me get better'
Irwin has previously spoken to the BBC about his mental health struggles and believes "being honest was the first thing that helped him get better".
"A few years ago I went to play tennis with my cousin a week before Snetterton BSB and that was when I knew I really had to get help.
"I couldn't see him, he was very blurred, and I went to see an eye consultant and it was an eye condition caused by high stress.
"I knew stress could cause you to partially lose your eyesight and vision and was thinking, 'I'm providing for my family and if I lose my career how do I put food on the table'.
"Then I went and got the help."