Marlie Packer: 'I thought I was out of the England squad'
- Published
When Marlie Packer told her England coach Simon Middleton about drink-driving crash
World Cup winner Marlie Packer has credited the support of her family, team-mates and England Rugby in the aftermath of being found guilty of drink-driving last year.
In an emotional interview with BBC Sport, the Saracens women's flanker described the shame of being found guilty of the offence for a second time.
"I was heartbroken - I wanted to dig a hole, jump in it and cover myself up," she said.
Packer said her darkest moments had come before her court appearance, when she told England head coach Simon Middleton and "thought I was out of the squad".
She says she now wants to educate others.
The 29-year-old hit another vehicle while driving home after watching a Saracens pre-season game on 1 September. She failed a breath test at the roadside.
After admitting the offence at Wimbledon Magistrates court in November, she was given a £461 fine, ordered to pay £131 in court costs and received a 17-month driving ban.
"I had two drinks," she said. "I didn't really think about it too much because there was a time gap, but I didn't eat between the two times.
"For me, there were no qualms that I was over the limit or anything like that.
"There was a junction, a car came up to it, it looked like it was pulling out so I swerved and there was another car coming the other way and I caught the back end of it.
"I got out straight away because the air bags went off - that was a shock in itself."
It was as the police arrived that the reality of the situation began to dawn on Packer.
She said: "I spoke to the police officer and they asked me if I'd had a drink that day and I said: 'Yes.'
"Then I got breathalysed and it blew over and they asked me to come down to the station.
"Every thought went through my head: I was in my work van, I wanted to make sure the other people were OK, was I OK? I was just coming back from a shoulder operation, I was worried about injury to myself, injuring other people, and then I was thinking - 'this can't be happening, not again'."
A previous conviction for drink-driving and failing to stop after a crash in 2007 was very much in her head.
Packer said: "I'd like to say I'm a very different person to what I was [12] years ago and my life is very different.
"The choices I've made, the friends I surround myself with, my family in that time - a lot has changed. Rugby has always been my glue... the one thing that I've loved doing."
Packer's other passion was her job as a plumber and her name was on the side of the work van involved in the crash in 2018.
World Cup winner returns to work
She was initially suspended but returned to work as she waited to find out if she would be charged.
The court papers did not come through for two months, and on their arrival Packer decided to resign. She also grappled with who to tell about the incident.
"I got a bit lost. 'Do I tell England Rugby? Do I tell Saracens?' Every thought went through my head," she said.
"I spoke to the Rugby Players' Association. They've dealt with lots of other players, and told me it's not an uncommon thing, it's about how you learn from it."
She decided to tell Saracens, then England. After attending an England training day - where the theme was values - Packer told forwards coach Richard Blaze.
"His advice was the more people you tell, the easier it will be for you," she said.
She then turned to England Rugby's head of women's performance Nicky Ponsford, who advised her to tell Middleton.
"At that point I thought I was out of the England squad," she said. "That was it."
She was wrong.
"They were both aware I've suffered with depression before and I think they were concerned about that part for me," she said.
"Rugby is everything to me. I love rugby, and that was the moment that I knew I hadn't lost my space in the England squad."
Support was also forthcoming from her team-mates.
"The 'idiot' word came up quite a lot but more [because] I hadn't told them and it doesn't change the person I am to them," she said.
"I've been on an educational course for it and my biggest thing is, it's not always the amount you drink, it's the alcohol contents in the drink itself and actually it takes time to come out of your body.
"I hope the girls and any other people can learn from my mistake."