Shaunagh Brown column: 'It's scary when retirement thoughts creep in'

Preparing for a World Cup semi-final with England is about as intensely focused as it gets, but there is one thought that has been creeping into my mind more and more.

It is not something I thought about when I first started playing rugby but as it takes longer to bounce back from games, I have had to start considering retirement.

In the early days I would play on Saturday and be fine by the evening. Now I am 32 and two or three days after a match I am still a bit of a mess - even with all the recovery I do.

That is my body talking to me, telling me it may nearly be time to stop.

It is really scary when you say it out loud: retirement.

It is scary when people ask what you are going to do next. I do not know for sure right now.

Rugby is my salary, it is what I rely on financially and it is worrying to think what I will do without that. But I know a change has to come and that retirement hits us all at some point.

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When I do go, I want to go out on a high rather than fade away, especially at international level.

I feel like I am going all out in training, then I watch it back and it does not always look as good as it feels.

Equally, sometimes it does not feel great, but you watch it back and it was actually OK. Sometimes I feel my body is asking me what is next.

When you are an elite athlete, it is hard to see yourself not competing at your best all the time. But no sportsperson can stay at the top of their game forever.

If, despite all the training we do and always putting in 100%, I am not happy with how I move then something has got to change.

The only way to deal with it is to think about what is next.

'I don't know how my body will change'

One of my biggest worries once I stop playing will be my body structure.

I eat a lot and I enjoy it. I have always been able to do that because I have trained regularly since I was 11 years old.

I have no idea how my body would be without that now. I have no idea what my natural weight is - I will have to learn to eat less.

It would also be strange to leave behind the controlled environment you get in England camp.

For me, the thought of that freedom feels exciting, but for the younger players who came in after we were given full-time contracts in 2019, the only job they have ever had is being a rugby player.

As I have spoken about before, I have done a lot of other things. I have been a firefighter, a heating engineer, a commercial diver.

If you have not done anything different, the thought of that freedom might scare you because how would you know what you want to do and whether you have the skills to do it?

I have got a CV and qualifications - I am privileged in that aspect.

'Players need support to think about what's next'

Rugby will always be a big part of my life, but I also recognise that life can be exciting outside of that.

Previously, I would let selection or how I had trained or played affect me beyond rugby. I have worked on that and I hope that will make the transition to retirement less difficult.

Hearing from others who have retired, you are always looking for where to get that praise you used to get on the pitch.

In the real world, the crowd is not going to cheer if you do a good presentation at work.

As I mentioned earlier, there are financial considerations for retiring too.

I am grateful to have had the support of ex-England player Rachael Burford, who has always pushed me to think about what is next.

While Rachael helped me as a friend, I would like to see all women's players offered support like that at club level.

So, along with all the pressure that comes with the latter stages of a World Cup, these are the thoughts swirling round in my head.

As I spoke about last week, starting a family will be an important consideration in the timing of my retirement, so I know there is a lot to look forward to.

It would be sad to step away at such an exciting time in the growth of women's rugby, but I would still want to be involved somehow.

I would like to play some part in the 2025 World Cup in England - whether that is as a player, in the media or in the boardroom.

And of course I could never live without playing some sort of sport. I have been eyeing up walking football and think Strongwoman contests would suit me.

If someone taught me how to bowl properly I reckon I could be a pretty dangerous cricketer too.

Thinking about retirement can be scary, but I have always been someone who has gone with the flow and taken the opportunities that feel right. I have to carry on trusting in that.

Shaunagh Brown was speaking to BBC Sport's Becky Grey.

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