Sam Harrison: Ex-Leicester Tigers scrum-half opens up on alcoholism during career
- Published
Sam Harrison came through Leicester's academy
Warning: Contains content which readers may find distressing.
Former Leicester Tigers scrum-half Sam Harrison says issues with alcoholism during his career led to him trying to take his own life.
The 33-year-old, who helped Tigers to the 2013 Premiership title, retired from professional rugby in 2020 after 178 appearances for the club.
He says he played with a drinking problem and ignored it until hitting "rock bottom" with a suicide attempt.
"It's where I needed to get to to make me realise," Harrison said.
"My wife had a hen party away, and that weekend was the worst of my life.
"I drank constantly all weekend, I still had the kids in my care, and I ended up trying to take my own life that weekend, mainly because of where I got to from alcohol.
"I had three beautiful kids, a beautiful wife. And I just did not feel happy at all, and that feeling that I, on paper, had everything that I ever wanted, but I still felt terrible inside.
"From that point I got better. The point it got to for me was horrendous."
'I jumped into rugby's drinking culture'
Harrison said professional help he got after trying to kill himself, as well as the support of the club and then head coach Geordan Murphy, was crucial to him turning his life around after a decade-long addiction.
The former England Under-20 international, who has retired to work as a carpenter in Australia, said his relationship with drinking to excess started as a teenager and was initially just a way of fitting in as an emerging rugby player at Tigers.
The "heavy drinking" and "laddish" culture in rugby union is something that former England winger Ugo Monye spoke about last year.
"When I was 18 to about the age of 28 the drinking was a big part of the culture of rugby," Harrison told BBC Radio Leicester.
"And obviously as a young lad you take on whatever that culture is. It's a hard environment, I did everything that all the other players were doing on and off the pitch.
"Drinking was a big part of what professional rugby players did, maybe not - or definitely not - to the extent of what I did, but in my head after most games most players were drinking a lot of the time, and heavily. So I thought that if this is the culture, I'm going to jump into that with both feet, as well as the playing side of it."
In the 2008-09 season, the Leicestershire-born Tigers academy product made his debut aged 18, and within three seasons he was featuring in a Premiership final.
Twelve months after losing the 2012 Twickenham decider to Harlequins, he was back on the bench at the national stadium and played a part in their final victory against Northampton.
These were career highlights celebrated wildly with alcohol in hand.
The smiles and glory, however, hid a darkness that would go on to dominate his life, consume him and the way he behaved as a player.
"It used to be really difficult for me to cater to my drinking needs and cater to what coaches expected of me," Harrison said.
"Obviously now the easy thing to say is 'why don't you just stop drinking, because it's clearly not good for you'. But I couldn't.
"It's crazy to think how much of my career was spent worrying about when I was going to drink, and not worrying about if I would perform at the weekend, or if I'd get picked in the team.
"Sometimes I was hoping I wouldn't get picked so I could drink more.
"I had this bitterness towards rugby that it had always just been in the way of my drinking, which is insane."
With the help, Harrison dealt with his drinking problem.
And for a year, he gave up alcohol, relocated with his family to Australia, started his life as a full-time carpenter and even started playing local club rugby.
But after thinking a "year off drinking" would "be fine", he quickly slipped into dark old habits.
"I knew that my wife would leave me if drinking became an issue again, we had an agreement that it just couldn't happen," Harrison said. "And I realised quite quickly that it had me again.
"This time I realised that I had to stop. And because this time I'm doing it for me, and because I know it's for real and forever it's such a positive step.
"I'm grateful to have had the horrible, really bad times I've had, because it's given me an outlook that I otherwise probably wouldn't have. And I now know I don't need anything to feel good or happy, and the best version of myself."
If you have been affected by the issues raised in this article, help and support is available via BBC Action Line.