What can I tell you about what has happened so far in this match? Not a great deal. Since the opening couple of minutes, the turf in the centre circle has been worn out.

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Jason Roberts
Former West Brom striker on Final Score

It is a surprise Carrick is not playing. 

Fellaini has taken up that position and I don't think Manchester United are as fluid.

Darren Millington: Surely Carrick should have started instead of Fellaini ? Carrick far better at passing and controlling the midfield

Jose Mourinho's barnet has been fully swallowed by silver. He hasn't considered the Just For Men. A scarf covers his mouth. I doubt he'll be having a beer in Hanley after this one.

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Cleared not once, but twice, the latter via a Lee Grant fist.

Danger. Lovely dink in by Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Juan Mata chasing. Erik Pieters has to clear. United corner coming up.

Correct, Paul. It looks like someone has vandalised the space between his bottom lip and his chin with a black pen.

Paul Salmon: Chris Smalling should be booked for that facial hair.

Cleared, United break. Ander Herrera is taken down by a Marko Arnautovic shove and booked by Mark Clattenburg, everyone's favourite tattooed ref. Much noise from the Stoke fans, who don't think that was worse than Smalling on Allen. They're right too.

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Delilah from the Stoke fans, surely one of Tom Jones' best works? Chris Smalling goes through the back of Joe Allen and gives Stoke a free-kick in the sort of area from which Peter Crouch's head can be found.

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There are boos every time United have the ball, with cheers when a Stoke foot goes in. Good atmos, singing at both ends.

Good start, this. Marko Arnautovic down the Stoke left, trying to cut the ball back to Peter Crouch. Snuffed out. I fancy goals in this one.

It's lush in the Potteries, the pitch looks like you could play bowls on it. United come through Marouane Fellaini, bu are squeezed out.

Under way. Stoke playing left to right, so will attack their favoured Boothen End in the second half.

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Boos as the United team is announced. The floodlights are already on. More noise from the United end at the moment.

Every Stoke player is accompanied by a fully kitted child mascot. Every one of them looks freezing cold.

Here we go. Big hug between Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Marko Arnautovic. You can see how those two would be buddies.

The players are in the tunnel. I had Manchester United to be white today. Incorrect. They are sporting all blue. No tracksuit tops for the visitors, much harder than those namby-pamby Stokies. 

What in the world is going on here? I mean... really?

Image source, Reuters

Good lord it's cold in the Potteries. Two Stoke fans have scarves pulled up around their mouths like men who would rather be anywhere else. Do football fans ever cuddle to keep warm? I recommend it today.